Brent Musberger: You are looking live at Hell, where we will visit with our own Jimmy “The Greek” as we bring you this year’s National Football Conference preview live on CBS.

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Brent: As we get you ready for all of the NFC football action this year, let us now go live to Hell, where our own Jimmy “The Greek” has been on fire with his predicitons lately. First of all Jimmy, how did you end up in such an awful place?

Jimmy “The Greek”: Well Brent, us Greeks believe in a lot of gods. Turns out none of them were right. Also, I am a racist.

Brent: I see. Well Jimmy, what can you tell us about the NFC this year?

Jimmy: Well Brent, the NFC is going to be a dog fight.

Brent: That joke is so last year.

Jimmy: Well Brent, I’ve been down here a long time. Cut me some slack. Anyway, I can see the St. Louis Cardinals making some noise in the NFC East.

Brent: Uh Jimmy. The Cardinals are in the NFC West.

Jimmy: What?

Brent: The divisions were realigned. The Cardinals moved to Arizona in like 1988. And the Seattle Seahawks have been in the NFC since 2002. In fact, we don’t even broadcast NFC games anymore. We broadcast the AFC. I don’t even work for CBS. I’m just trying to do a bit here.

Jimmy: (Head spinning) Well, Brent, I don’t see you having much success this year. But I do see a great year for the teams with lots of n…(poked with pitchforks)..err, African Americans. I have the divisions as follows:

Jimmy: In the NFC East, first I’ve got thePhiladelphia Eagles - That Ron Jaworski can really throw the ball. The Eagles have a tall wide receiver in Harold Carmichael and a great kicker in Tony Franklin. They may score 9, perhaps 10 points a game.

Brent: Jimmy? How long you say you’ve been down there?

Jimmy: In the NFC Central, Lynn Dickey and Eric Hipple lead such aerial assaults for the Packers and Lions respectively, I can see this race coming down to week 16 with the Bears winning it.

Brent: That doesn’t make sense.

Jimmy: So basically, what I’m trying to say is that the two-headed QB monster that is Pat Haden and Vince Ferregamo will have the Los Angeles Rams back in the Super Bowl this year.

Brent: I can’t even begin to tell you how that statement is wrong. Anyway, we are going to go live to our NFC correspondent, G.I. Jab for his NFC preview. G.I.

G.I. Jab: Thanks, Brent. Loved you in Rocky, by the way.

Brent: It was Rocky II.

Jab: Is your name not Warner Wolf? I saw Rocky II, and that was not you.

Brent: Yes, it was!

Jab: The black guy? Anyway, here are my NFC picks as they correspond to Sly Stallone movies.

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys - It has to be Rhinestone. Jessica Simpson thinks she is in Dolly Parton’s league. Just like Wade Phillips think’s he’s in Wilson Phillips’ league. This team has a lot talent, but difficulty getting over the playoff hump. I like them to win the division but once again get tripped up in January.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (WILDCARD) - You’d think the obvious choice for Philadelphia would be Rocky or one of the Rockies, etc. But you’d be flat out wrong. What a dumbass you are for thinking that. The Eagles most closely resemble Victory. Hey, how about that? Not too shabby. Barring injuries to its one good player (that’s right, Pele) and this team just seems to get it done just like those POWs in Victory.

3. New York Giants - The Giants are definitely Rocky V. They are riding high after ending the communist reign of the New England Patriots. But brain damage and other injuries are starting to take their tolls, and they may find themselves in a street fight this year. And they might ultimately suck. The loss of Osi Umenyiora is devasting, but at least he can get back to doing what he does best.

4. Washington Redskins - It really hurts me to put my favorite team in this position. But after that 47-3 shellacking they took from the Panthers last weekend, I just can’t get a read on these guys. That is why I compare them to Cliffhanger: a pretty shitty movie with some cool parts. And I can see Jim Zorn running this team like Lithgow ran the bad guys.

NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers - Definitely Rocky III. Steve Smith is Clubber Lang, and Ken Lucas is Rocky. When Smith returns after week 2, Lucas should kick his ass. Just think. if Kevin Greene was still on the Panthers he would be Thunderlips.

2. Tampa Bay Bucs (WILDCARD) - Rambo: First Blood Part II. Monte Kiffin’s defense seems to deliver every year. They are a tenacious bunch who leaves lots of carnage in their wake. I still have nightmares about that time Ronde Barber killed my dad.

3. New Orleans Saints - Oscar. This team has a good QB with some decent weapons, but I don’t think their style of football matches up with the rough and tumble ways of the NFC, kind of like Stallone in another shitty comedy.

4. Atlanta Falcons - The obvious choice is Lock Up. Once again, this joke would have worked better last year.

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers - If I can get through this pick without writing the words “Brett Favre,” DAMMIT!!! Rocky Balboa. The Packers wife may have died and the fans are a bit down on their luck. But Aaron Rodgers just has to matriculate the ball down the field with his talented group of young skill players. The defense is still pretty good. It may have been dumb to trade the GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME, but at the end of the day, what you’ve got here is a team that is ready to get down to business.

2. Minnesota Vikings - Copland. This is everybody’s sexy pick, just like everybody thought Copland would restore Sly’s respectability as an actor. Really??? Did he ever have respectability as an actor? As a director, totally. I mean Staying Alive was awesome! But that’s neither here nor there. As we all know, the Vikes’ QB play is up in the air. They have a lot of talent, but I don’t think they have that combination that’s going to get them over the hump quite yet.

3. Detroit Lions - Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. They stink. Seriously. When are people going to stop believing that this is the year they turn the corner.

4. Chicago Bears - First Blood. Watch out, Bears. You may have drawn first blood, but the rest of the NFC is coming for you like Stallone. Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman would be wise to hide out in some bar and call it a season. Something tells me Cedric Benson got the better end of this deal. Speaking of better end, watch for a young David Caruso in this movie. I know jokes about his career choice after NYPD Blue are a bit cliche at this point, but if this prediction holds true, this will be sort of like the Bears peaking as the Super Bowl runner-up two years ago. Who’s with me? Anyone?

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks - Rocky. These guys are easily forgettable but always eager to rise to the challenge. Mike Holmgren is The Walrus. Andy Reid may have the mustache, the chestsweat, the grab-ass skills, even the ballsack, but he is not in The Walrus’s league.

2. Arizona Cardinals - Over the Top. Everybody’s sexy pick the last few years until AD happened, the Cardinals are putting the pieces in place and may need another year to get over the top. I don’t mean to lump the Cards in with such an incredibly bad movie, but in studying their history, I would say this is pretty appropriate.

3. San Francisco 49ers - Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. The “Spy” part would have been too east with the Patriots in the AFC. But the Game Over part works well with the 49ers. Their QB situation will most likely be iffy thoughout the season, and new Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz will probably forget that he has a good running back in Frank Gore. All I can say is “Game over, man! Game Over!”

4. St. Louis Rams - Judge Dredd. I’m afraid this team may just be dreadful. How’d you like my pun? Do you too think the Rams will be pun-ished this year? Judge, Jury, Executioner? I judge that the Rams will have a problem with execution this year, and a jury of team managment will decide to execute the coaching staff.

Jab: So there you have it, Brent. I know I’ve forgotten some Stallone gems in there, but there are only 16 teams in the NFC, and Stallone has starred in at least two good movies. By the way, what was it like working with Dan Fouts in The Waterboy?

Brent: The sexual tension nearly sent me over the edge. Who do you have in the Super Bowl?

G.I. Jab: I like the Seahawks to represent the NFC. I think the Colts are going to make it back in the AFC. Peyton Manning may be playing with less of a sack this year. But until somebody in their division knocks them off, I see them continuing to be a formidable force in the AFC. Peace out, everybody.

Yes, it’s that time again. After a long July with nothing good to watch, football is back! Shago is here to bring you his annual preview of the AFC. Without further delay: a preview of each team, the order that I believe they will finish, and a corresponding Bill Murray film:

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots - In the last five years, only one team (’06 Seattle) has made the playoffs after a losing the previous Super Bowl. The cursed Pats won’t be perfect this year, but should win the division again.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters - If there’s something strange…spying on your coach…who you gonna call?

2. Buffalo Bills (WILD CARD) - Coming off a 7-9 season that included a couple close losses, the Bills should be expecting some good things this year, right? Oh Buffalo, we can’t trust you to win anything. But, with a schedule that includes Miami twice and the NFC West, I’ll give you a playoff spot. Ok, you owe me now, so change the Buffalo Slugs back to the Buffalo Sabres, please!
MOVIE: Where the Buffalo Roam - I’ve never seen it, but it has Buffalo in the title.

3. New York Jets - Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Madden Curse. Wow that was insightful, eh? I could work for ESPN.
MOVIE: Groundhog Day - I keep waking up and Sportscenter is always the same.

4. Miami Dolphins - There’s only one way to forget about last year’s one win season, that’s 0-16. The acquisition of QB Chad Pennington might be worth a win or two, but think of it this way, long time Dolphins Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, and Chris Chambers have a good shot at the playoffs.
MOVIE: Ed Wood - He was the worst director in history, could this team be the worst ever too?

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh Steelers - Strong on both sides of the ball, I expect the Steelers to win their second straight division title. Well…that was boring, let’s go to the videotape!
MOVIE: Lost in Translation - The Steelers are lost behind the Pats, Colts, Chargers, and Jags in the AFC.

2. Cleveland Browns - A nice 10 win season last year for the Browns, but let’s remember that they played a last place schedule. Last year’s games against the Jets, Dolphins, and 49ers are replaced this year with ones against the Colts, Jaguars, and Cowboys. Eight wins would be a nice year for Cleveland and maybe keep them in the playoff hunt later into the season.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters II - In typical sequel fashion, this season won’t be as good as the last.

3. Baltimore Ravens - John Harbaugh takes over as head coach of the Ravens…uhhhh who? Do you think they meant to hire Jim Harbaugh? I feel you Ravens, you woke up after the 2007 season with a bad hangover and said, “what did we do?”
MOVIE: Quick Change - How quickly you changed into a bad team. Remember 13 wins in ‘06?

4. Cincinnati Bengals - So you released repeat offender Chris Henry only to re-sign him again? I’m sure this time it’ll work (wink, wink…nudge, nudge…giggle). At least now the cops will make their “Bengals arrested in ‘08” quota. My prediction: coach Marvin Lewis is fired after starting the season 0-9.
MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums - The Bengals are definitely an eccentric family.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars - This division should be fabulous. I’m giving the Jags the edge this year, in a very tight race. David Garrard’s QB rating of 102 last year was higher than Manning, Romo, and Favre. An efficient passing game paired with Fragile Fred Taylor and MJD “the human bowling ball“, this could be the Jags’ year.
MOVIE: What About Bob? - The Jags will keep winning until you have to notice them.

2. Indianapolis Colts - (WILD CARD) - Peyton and crew will again be one of the top teams in the AFC, just missing out on a seventh straight division title.
MOVIE: The Darjeeling Limited - I’m so sick of the Manning brothers, I’d love to put them on a train to India.

3. Tennessee Titans - Coming off a playoff appearance last year, I could see the Titans making another. A stifling defense and QB that just plain knows how to win, the Titans just miss this year.
MOVIE: Meatballs - RB LenDale White loves them!

4. Houston Texans - Maybe in another division, another time, etc. But another 8 wins would keep things interesting.
MOVIE: Kingpin - Can the underdog Texans compete with the flash of the other top AFC teams?

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers - A couple playoff wins last year and the Chargers are once again thinking Super Bowl. If this team can stay healthy, I think they’re the class of the AFC.
MOVIE: Scrooged - They seem to be learning from numerous playoff ghosts.

2. Oakland Raiders - Yes, that’s right the Raiders. They don’t have a shot at winning this division, but with a low end schedule and some young talent, you could win seven games. That might be enough to place second in the West. So Raider Fan, postpone that porn shoot, delay the gas station robbery, and make sure the jail cell has Direct TV because this season might be worth watching.
MOVIE: Charlie’s Angels - Beware though Raiders. As this movie proved, even surrounded by lots of sexy players, you can still suck.

3. Denver Broncos - Putting the Raiders in second in this division should tell you what I think of this year’s Donkeys. Last year’s seven wins included four by three points or less. So bringing in a kicker that’s 1 of 4 in his career might not be the best way to go.
MOVIE: Stripes - “C’mon, it’s Denver. We zip in, we pick ‘em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow.”

4. Kansas City Chiefs - On December 21st, you play the Miami Dolphins (who you also play in preseason…odd) in what could be the battle for last place in the AFC. If either team has a chance to finish the season winless, don’t disappoint me.
MOVIE: Caddyshack - find someplace warm to play golf in January.

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION:

So last year, the media overloaded us with the New York vs. Boston Super Bowl. This year, us fans that hate both cities get revenge. In the least watched Super Bowl in recent memory, the Seattle Seahawks defeat the Jacksonville Jaguars 20 - 17, sending Coach Wilford Brimley into retirement a winner.

I could swear I was watching a tribute to the Bloomin’ Onion.

When I’m driving and people cut me off, I always say to myself, “It’s ok.” This is because, someday, I will kill them.

We all know that China has a horrible record when it comes to human rights. Well, what about animal rights???

I say we start eating pandas until they stop eating dogs.

You had me until the showering.

As my handsome colleague G.I. Jab has reminded us, the Olympics have begun. It’s 2:25am and I have ten (officially “X“, I guess) HD channels devoted to the Olympics. This is strange because there are only four different things on right now. I guess I could picture-in-picture the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match and the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match, just to see if it ended differently.

Oh well…as I endure another sleepless night, deciding between watching Zoolander or committing suicide, I decide to surf the web looking for information on my new favorite Olympic sport. And here’s what I found:

Handball: “Grab It!”

FUCK YEAH!!!

In a lame attempt to remake “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” Director Mira Nair sends Kumar on a wild coming-of-age journey. After rejecting his Indian roots for most of his adolescence and early adulthood, it takes the tragic loss of his father to convince Kumar to travel to India and search for the lost Sankara stones. Finding the stones will restore balance to the force and return the stolen children to the small village of New York. I guess the loss of your father is symbolism for having your heart ripped out. But the original “Indiana Jones” actually had a guy’s heart getting ripped out.

You see, to borrow a line from classic Homer, “When I’m bored, I make up my own movie.”

Damn, this is racist!

1 Pig.

Here’s a few quotes I’ve hear about the new blockbuster The Dark Knight:

“Everyone is broke now because Warner Brothers has all the money.” - some famous director at Comic Con
“If you don’t go see Dark Knight, Mike Tyson will come to your house and eat your children.” - Warner Brothers
“It was much better than Cats.” - GI Jab
“Screw the Dark Knight, go see Hellboy!” - random guy that mysteriously died five minutes after that sentence.

At risk of offending the entire world and getting my ass kicked by Christian Bale, I’m here to review The Dark Knight. Mullets, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ll give it 4 pigs, it was good, but it wasn’t great. As I wait for Warner Brothers to send ninjas to kill me, I’ll give you three reasons why.

#1 - Christian Bale’s Batman voice - You know what I’m talking about, that deep, raspy voice that’s supposed to intimidate everyone.
…Ok, now, we’re going to get interactive, I want you to do it with me. At the count of 3, say “Where is Rachel??!!” in your best Bale voice. Ready? 1, 2,

wait…I mean say it after 3, like 1, 2, 3, “Where is Rachel?” instead of actually on 3 like 1, 2, “Where is Rachel?” Ok? Glad we cleared that up. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

You didn’t you do it? That’s ok, I’ll wait…..
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Finally! Did you laugh a little? Me too.

#2 - The Gotham City Cops - Are these the stupidest people in the world? How come they can’t recognized the Joker’s men. Every scene with them was, “hey new cop, I’ve never seen you before, but will you drive the truck on this most dangerous mission? Ok, let’s go, nothing could possibly happen now.” Blah.

C. - The Hype - From what I heard, this was supposed to be the greatest thing ever, intense & brutal. mainstreaming comic book movies forever, changing water to wine, stopping global warming, cleaning up Chinese pollution, etc. Nothing could ever live up to that hype, but it does transform people’s opinion of what they see. Stay strong mullets, make up your own mind!

In conclusion, this is a high quality movie and you should see it. I really enjoyed numerous things:

1. Yes, Heath Ledger was great. But Aaron Eckhart’s performance (even if sadly CGI’d) and his journey toward evil was also outstanding in my opinion.
2. The fact that it wasn’t narrated by Morgan Freeman.
3. Touching on the state of humanity with the two boats and suspenseful ending.
4. Two and a half hours without hearing the name ‘Brett Favre’

SPOILER!!!!!!

5. The death of Rachel. I love when real characters die, it makes the movie so much more believable. (My apologies to Disney)

Enjoy mullets, but before you go screaming naked into the streets saying “Dark Knight is the greatest thing since beer and Steven Spielberg,” let’s remember that this movie couldn’t compete with classics like The Godfather, Casablanca, or Star Wars.

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BAM!!!!!!!

Oh no! ninjas….avenge meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The diet soda was cold. The popcorn bucket was bottomless. The salt packets and napkins were handy. The rum was generic. Not a single crying kid was to be found in the entire theater. Everthing seemed perfect you say?
Aye captain… too perfect. (queue crickets and creepy theme music)

Gillian Anderson did look delicious. Duchovny seemed a bit Californified Mulder, sporting a wicked filthy-hippy(thanks Shago) beard:

Ok, time to settle in and let the magic happen! I sat back in my comfy red velvet reclining seat, safely stowed by beverage in it’s proper and upright position and steadied myself for the newest and no doubt fascinating conspiracy theories.

Next thing I know, Amanda Peet shows up….waaaiiittt a minute! WTF?? Who invited her and what is she doing with all those clothes on?????

Ok so we’ve hit a speedbump, I can forgive this tragic casting faux pas. Every man has his faults, even Chris Carter must have a casting couch. No problemo, I get it. Let’s move on. Time for some plot!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Fast forward to the beginning of hour 2, Mullets… Mulder and Scully are making out(blech!) and Peetey The Cop is the only one yelling “Mulder!!!” as she frantically searches for the man who committed the atrocities upon humanity (uhhh of some sort, I dont’ really see where we’re going with this). Mmmm~ popcorn! Nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…hay!!

After nodding off for a quick power nap, I take a bathroom break and come back hoping for a renewed leash on life, and some kind of story development. My spirits are broken as I realize that the only climax we’re going to get is from this guy…?

Yes sir, it’s the Assistant Director himself to save the day. Lord knows Scully and Mulder are too busy kissyfaced. Yuk.

What can I say kids… I could have found you a better plot if I closed by eyes and threw a dart at my XFiles DVD collection. Easily. Drunk on whiskey and blindfolded. With both hands tied behind my back. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow too. I mean Stem Cells for christs sake? Sooo last year my friends.

Ok I’m over it now. What a frustrating couple of hours. Ugh. 2 Pigs.

Shago’s back with something special! I have been watching movies, but not many qualified for a full review. So, here’s a few that you might catch flipping through the pay-per-view and movie channels. I’ll give you everything you need to know in this segment of Shago’s Quick Flicks:

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

If you liked the first installment of National Treasure, you’ll love the sequel. Why? Well…because it’s the exact same movie. The same actors hunt for a treasure. Replace the Declaration of Independence with the Presidential Book of Secrets and off we go! While this movie has good action and is fairly entertaining, it gets negative 3 pigs because it’s a rerun.

HOME OF THE BRAVE

Sam Jackson and Jessica Biel star in a dramatic film about soldiers returning from Iraq. All I can say is the Army must have one hell of a screwed up medical plan. Everyone has such beautiful straight white teeth, but disturbing mental issues. This is an emotional movie about a tough subject. Unfortunately, whenever I see Sam Jackson, I think of this. 1 snake + 1 plane = 2 pigs, it could have been better.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH/GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Remember when Dane Cook was funny? Me too, way before these two movies. 1 pig for the hot chicks.

RATATOUILLE

Amazingly, this move ranks #127 on IMDB.com’s User’s Top 250 movies of all time, beating out such crap as: Ben-Hur, Platoon, Gandhi, Glory, Scarface, and the far superior animated feature Toy Story. I only have one question: Was this movie supposed to be a comedy, drama, action, or zoophilia? Cause it really wasn’t funny, entertaining, exciting, or sexy. 0 pigs.

TALK TO ME

So you ask me, “Shago,if everything sucks, what should I watch?” Well, I’ll give you one. Don Cheadle plays 1960’s radio personality Petey Greene. This movie has a good cast, good story, and some sweet-ass fashion! Enjoy 4 pigs.