Watch Speed, then Speed 2, then Die Hard 3, then Lethal Weapon 4. Once you’ve stopped screaming at your television, imagine those with even more unecessary explosions, worse actors, stupider plots, unconnected and unexplained side stories, radically impossible stunts, crappier soundtracks and predictable endings. Not possible you say? I beg to differ. This movie makes you want to shiv yourself.
This may not be the most timely of posts, but I feel obligated to inform the world… worst Die Hard… ever. How embarassing that this was allowed to be made. I mean, did you see how the (badly CGI’d) jet flew over that bridge, stopped on a dime, did a 360 and flew over the semi, almost vivisecting Bruce Willis? If not for Kevin Smith and the Credence outro this is unwatchable. Thank all that is holy that I did not spend any money sleeping through this in the theater.
Lucy grew up kinda hot, 1 pig.
Wake up all you mullet fans out there! Dust off your hangover and walk with me. A new chance at parody awaits you as I introduce our new “Alternate Endings” category. Up to this point we’ve been limited to the “bonus features” we get on reanimated Blu-Ray versions of the same ol washed up trash we saw 3 years ago. Well I have had enough and I’m not gonna take it anymore.
Ever wanted Shia LeBeouf to grow a nice beer gut?
M. Night Shyamalan to get the Aunt Jemima treatment?
Eddie Murphy to save the world from the Nazis?
Jennifer Aniston to get bitten by that asshole dog on yet another sugary spoonful of sanctimonious crap (thanks G.I. Jab) we got subjected to this holiday season?
Michael Keaton to show up at the end of The Dark Knight and kick someone in the nuts?
Me too. Me too.
What I’m trying to say is we can do better folks. Choose your own adventure. Make your own endings. The right kid dies. Stuff like that.
Oh and Happy New Year, Peace and Love, Peace and Love from Anita and all of your favorite Mullets!
The diet soda was cold. The popcorn bucket was bottomless. The salt packets and napkins were handy. The rum was generic. Not a single crying kid was to be found in the entire theater. Everthing seemed perfect you say?
Aye captain… too perfect. (queue crickets and creepy theme music)
Gillian Anderson did look delicious. Duchovny seemed a bit Californified Mulder, sporting a wicked filthy-hippy(thanks Shago) beard:
Ok, time to settle in and let the magic happen! I sat back in my comfy red velvet reclining seat, safely stowed by beverage in it’s proper and upright position and steadied myself for the newest and no doubt fascinating conspiracy theories.
Next thing I know, Amanda Peet shows up….waaaiiittt a minute! WTF?? Who invited her and what is she doing with all those clothes on?????
Ok so we’ve hit a speedbump, I can forgive this tragic casting faux pas. Every man has his faults, even Chris Carter must have a casting couch. No problemo, I get it. Let’s move on. Time for some plot!
SPOILERS AHEAD
Fast forward to the beginning of hour 2, Mullets… Mulder and Scully are making out(blech!) and Peetey The Cop is the only one yelling “Mulder!!!” as she frantically searches for the man who committed the atrocities upon humanity (uhhh of some sort, I dont’ really see where we’re going with this). Mmmm~ popcorn! Nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…hay!!
After nodding off for a quick power nap, I take a bathroom break and come back hoping for a renewed leash on life, and some kind of story development. My spirits are broken as I realize that the only climax we’re going to get is from this guy…?
Yes sir, it’s the Assistant Director himself to save the day. Lord knows Scully and Mulder are too busy kissyfaced. Yuk.
What can I say kids… I could have found you a better plot if I closed by eyes and threw a dart at my XFiles DVD collection. Easily. Drunk on whiskey and blindfolded. With both hands tied behind my back. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow too. I mean Stem Cells for christs sake? Sooo last year my friends.
Ok I’m over it now. What a frustrating couple of hours. Ugh. 2 Pigs.
Allow me to express some common and not-so-common opinions of this “made-for-film” novel.
First of all, I wish I would have known before going in that it was a book first, written back in tha day, by Upton Sinclair… this fun-loving guy from the 1900′s, who was raised by a liquor salesman(Anita=jealous!) and enjoyed the lighter side of ethics, socialism, religion and psychic powers. Not to mention pina coladas and long walks on the beach:
Spoiler alert!
[Obvious] (fark.com style) There will be blood? When? When I move to the theater that’s showing “Prom Night”?
[Amusing] A new use for your personal bowling alley = chugging moonshine, passing out drunk in the gutters and eating food off the floor, David Hasslehoff style.
[Interesting] I swear I had something for this category.. uhhhh… nevermind.. scratch that. I spent the entire show waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to drop.
[Florida] What kind of person just abandons their kid. That’s some cold hearted shit there.
[Dumbass] What kind of wicked codependancy kicks in that the kid comes back to the nutty father after being ditched, left broke, deaf and defenseless?
[Sad] Honest people only exist to get bitch-slapped. Even religious fanatics are bound to fall to the wicked ways of the dollar-dolla bill, y’all. Hmm this seems familiar…
[COOL] The explosions were alright I guess, and I liked how everyone was covered in black goo most of the time.
[Hero] Daniel Day Lewis was truly hateable. And did I mention covered in Goo!
Check it out people if you have 3 hours to spare and you don’t like yourself that much!
2 Pigs
I Want to Believe!! I loved the last X-files movie and I’m currently watching the entire collection of X-files TV shows on DVD (in order of course). Ok, now that it is clear what a major sci-fi nerd you’re dealing with here, I have a few comments about the upcoming flick. Check out the trailer here.
The poster with the big X is just rad, if I wasn’t trying to stop decorating my house a-la 8th grade, I would totally grab one of those.
The plotline and dialogue look to have some more depth than the previous show. I once fell asleep watching the first X-Files the Movie and I think I caught some subconsious suggestions. Found myself walking around with Tourette’s for the next week, frantically shouting, “Mulder?” “Scully?” “Mulder!!” “Scully!!”.
And if you needed any other reason to go see this one – how hot is Gillian Anderson with the long hair!?! Oh mama.
Porkmullet fans, you know where I’ll be July 25, 2008… drinking a couple bottles of wine and trying to beat GTA 4, you say?
Nope. This will be a different kind of Friday night. Fandango, your girl Anita, Gillian A, a diet coke spiked with Captain Morgan’s and a box of JuJuBees. Review to come.
In honor of the recent wedding of one of our dear First Daughters, here is a presidential Who Would You Rather Do?
Jenna Bush
Jenna Jameson
This Bush
Unfortunately your girl Anita didn’t make it to the Oscars last year(couldn’t get the wine stain off my De La Renta), nor she she catch up with 2007 Best Picture until running into it with a shopping cart at one of the many lovely Las Vegas Target stores last weekend. Luckily, a new PS3 had been generously donated to the household by Ivan Shago and therefore afforded a showing on Blu-ray this week. I am not going to give you a synoposis of the show, but instead offer yet another set of opinions regarding the ending.
SPOILERS FOLLOW!!!
1. Marsellus Wallace’s soul was in the suitcase.
2. Llewelyn is a girl’s name and therefore our dark “hero” was really was the wife dressed up in cowboy duds.
3. Tommy Lee Jones is a shitty, uptight law enforcement agent with bad hemmoroids that needs a decent young sidekick (see Men in Black I, II and III).
4. Who cares? I need one of those air-powered cattle guns so that I can enact my revenge and rule the world.
5. There is no Country for old men, but there still is a City where they can sit around and dream about making good money off of good books.
Well those are initial impressions, but here are a few to grow on…
6. What if all of our dreams were to come true? Even the evil ones? Even the ones that, once reanimated, can bring endless harm and suffering to us and all humanity forever… or for as long as we allow the fear to perpetuate and dominate us?
7. Say that greed were a creature. Would it not offer us blood money and cater to our naivete at an early age? Take the shirts off our back if we offered them? Set off our innate human selfishness and pit us against each other?
Take with it what you will. Watch the movie. Many times. It’s worth some thought.
4 Pigs.
As you can tell by the title, this is a nice lighthearted Sunday afternoon movie. And what better soundtrack to pair it with than…. you guessed it… Insane Clown Posse! Break out the tea and crumpets, invite the in-laws over and settle in for a sight and sound extravaganza, I say. Boy were we excited when we found this gem at Blockbuster, gently tucked away between Deadly Dreams and Dentist 2(Brace Yourself). Wicked rapping clowns AND demons, Y-E-S, yes!
The plot is very realistic, as you may have guessed. We start off with a hot-bodied lady archaeologist in the middle of nowhere with her father. First they are attacked by a random machine-gun toting middle-eastern extremist (who speaks perfect English), and the doctor lady gets her tank top ripped off in the scuffle. Cue the hero to save the day… you know the type… he looks like a cross between porn star and cage fighter? That’s the one. Said stud rips his own shirt off, reads a cheesy line off his cue card and kicks some ass. The only shocker here is that guy can kinda read.
Little do they know however, it’s only the beginning of their troubles. I mean, it’s really gonna be one of those days for our team. The kind of day where you accidentally stumble upon the portal to Hell at the bunker of Hades and have to battle Satan for the sake of all man and woman-kind, stop Armageddon and still make time for that steamy shower with a demon that travels through the water pipes.
This movie has 2 of the worst scenes ever seen, hands down. One being where the token army guy fights with a puppet for a good 10 minutes straight while green goo spurts every which way. I think at some point it just started repeating the same clips over and over… the guy is covered in goo… then no goo.. then goo again.. more goo…. I would rather watch a 24-hour marathon of You Can’t Do That On Television reruns while being lit on fire than watch that again. The second worst scene of all time is the ending. Apparently they ran out of budget really quick because midway in we go from a decent home-video quality to South Park-esque cartoon drawings. I hate to spoil the ending for everyone, but you probably already stopped reading anyway and are speeding to the local movie shop to rent…no buy, this DVD. Well, it turns out that the Devil is a dog. Our hero goes into the portal of Hell, and when he cuts the doggie’s head off, it looks sort of like 2 crayoned triangles of construction paper being sliced apart by kindergarten scissors. I’m sure I made better art (if you can call it that) when I was 5.
So what is the upside to this flick? Well, the aforementioned shower scene involves nice boobs. You will get to hear some of the raunchiest rap lyrics of all time. You will laugh some, but mostly just sit in front of the screen with your mouth hanging open in sheer disbelief. Did I mention boobs?
0 Pigs.
