The commercial says, “Sandra Bullock’s best performance.” Strange that this makes me want to see the movie less.

So I was pretty much a lazy piece of crap in 2008. I quit my job to pursue my lifelong dream of getting drunk on my porch while flicking off the passing hobos and throwing stones at small children. It was wonderful I must say, but all I really have to show for it is a beer gut, a couple lawsuits, and a few less years to live. So, I decided to punish myself for these slothful ways. Call it Shago’s penance or act of contrition or any other word I vaguely remember from Sunday School twenty years ago.

For my punishment, I forced myself to watch Winona Ryder movies…numerous Winona Ryder movies. Now, we all know that Winona Horowitz (her given name) is just awful. I mean can anyone watch Alien: Resurrection without enjoying this part?

So let’s get started. Remember mullets, I am a trained professional, DO NOT attempt this at home.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

Tim Burton’s creatively uncomfortable story of Edward (Johnny Depp) and his scissor hands trying to fit into suburbia. This is really a fascinating movie but, let’s face it, it’s ruined by Horowitz trying to be a blond. In the end, Kim (Horowitz) falls in love with Edwards because he’s so innocent, has cool scars, and wears leather pants. But their love is not to be. Actually, this ending is not sad. I mean who wouldn’t prefer an eternity of isolation to the love of Horowitz? 3 pigs, a really good movie, but doesn’t make Shago’s top tier.

SEX AND DEATH 101

Roderick (Simon Baker) receives a strange list that includes every women he has ever had sex with and all of his future sexual partners. He breaks off his engagement and starts down the list.

In separate but colliding stories, Death Nell (Horowitz) is a serial killer seducing and murdering her male sexual partners. You see where this is going…

The best part of this movie is that Horowitz really doesn’t have much of a role until the end. Silly, but still kinda fun, this film wasn’t terrible, 2 pigs.

HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT

A bunch of old ladies are making a quilt for Finn’s (Horowitz) wedding. They sit around and tell stories about their lives. The movies flashes forward and backwards to these stories until you are utterly confused. Or maybe I was too busy bashing of my head against the wall and praying for death to understand. What I got is that Finn is worried about getting married so she has sex with some random hot guy. Somehow, this is her husband’s fault. Then, her thesis is ruined when it is blown away by an angry gust of wind. But she feels better when the quilt is done.

I think the point of this story is that men are bad because they have a penis and women are awesome because they can quilt. I guess we’ll have to live with that, 0 pigs.

BOYS

After a fall from her horse, a couple of kids from an all boys school find Patty (Horowitz) unconscious in a field. Patty is a 25 year old ugly, strange gal who is being investigated by the police in connection with the disappearance of a baseball star. Her rescuer, John (Lukas Haas), instantly falls for her because he is also ugly and strange. Patty ends up getting this poor high schooler drunk and then rapes him. After getting arrested, they “escape” from the two-story police station with the help of an ultra fast elevator and station wagon. We are only left to hope that they crash and die a horribly painful death.

In a strange twist, John C. Reilly plays the police officer. I kept waiting for him to say a quote from Talladega Nights or Walk Hard, but it never came…mullets…(sob)…(sob)…it never came. This movie is one of the worst pieces of crap I’ve seen, 0 pigs.

CONCLUSION

So there you have it. Now that I have stopped crying and trying to burn my eyes out, I would like to introduce the new Shago, a changed man
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…kill me Billy…

So I didn’t rush out to the theater to see the fourth installment of Indiana Jones because, being a sequel, I really wasn’t that excited for it. But, as I was eating my Thanksgiving turkey chili cheese fries, I decided to give it a shot and picked it up on demand.

Now, I could bore and tell you about the plot, actors, etc. but you already know it. The bad guys need Indy to find the artifact because they are dumb and then they’ll use its power to conquer the world. Sound familiar? Thought so, so all I did was write down of bunch of alternate titles for the movie. Enjoy:

Indiana Jones and…the Communists that can’t shoot straight, I mean dude, he’s like three feet away from you
Indiana Jones in…oh my god, another movie with Shia LaBeouf
Indiana Jones and…the stuntman with a gray wig on
Indiana Jones in…how to survive an atom bomb without a scratch
Indiana Jones and…of course its his kid, can you be more predictable?
Indiana Jones and…the truck with a random RPG in the back
Indiana Jones in…he always gets away from the bad guys, but don’t worry, they’ll catch him again
Indiana Jones and…the Communists that run out of ammo and then throw their guns away, I mean you came all the way to the Amazon jungle with a bunch of trucks, why didn’t you bring extra bullets?
Indiana Jones and…the random cliff with a road next to it
Indiana Jones and…the monkeys that hate Communists
Indiana Jones in…Ants Gone Wild
Indiana Jones and…the Communists that can shoot every native in the temple, but still can’t hit Indy
Indiana Jones in…Alien vs. Communist – Requiem
Indiana Jones and…the guy that stops for gold always dies
Indiana Jones and…if they make more of these movies with Shia as the new Indy, I’m gonna vomit

This movie was decent, but all it really did was take Raiders and change the scenery, 2 pigs.

Yes, it’s that time again. After a long July with nothing good to watch, football is back! Shago is here to bring you his annual preview of the AFC. Without further delay: a preview of each team, the order that I believe they will finish, and a corresponding Bill Murray film:

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots – In the last five years, only one team (’06 Seattle) has made the playoffs after a losing the previous Super Bowl. The cursed Pats won’t be perfect this year, but should win the division again.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters – If there’s something strange…spying on your coach…who you gonna call?

2. Buffalo Bills (WILD CARD) – Coming off a 7-9 season that included a couple close losses, the Bills should be expecting some good things this year, right? Oh Buffalo, we can’t trust you to win anything. But, with a schedule that includes Miami twice and the NFC West, I’ll give you a playoff spot. Ok, you owe me now, so change the Buffalo Slugs back to the Buffalo Sabres, please!
MOVIE: Where the Buffalo Roam – I’ve never seen it, but it has Buffalo in the title.

3. New York Jets – Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Madden Curse. Wow that was insightful, eh? I could work for ESPN.
MOVIE: Groundhog Day – I keep waking up and Sportscenter is always the same.

4. Miami Dolphins – There’s only one way to forget about last year’s one win season, that’s 0-16. The acquisition of QB Chad Pennington might be worth a win or two, but think of it this way, long time Dolphins Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, and Chris Chambers have a good shot at the playoffs.
MOVIE: Ed Wood – He was the worst director in history, could this team be the worst ever too?

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Strong on both sides of the ball, I expect the Steelers to win their second straight division title. Well…that was boring, let’s go to the videotape!
MOVIE: Lost in Translation – The Steelers are lost behind the Pats, Colts, Chargers, and Jags in the AFC.

2. Cleveland Browns – A nice 10 win season last year for the Browns, but let’s remember that they played a last place schedule. Last year’s games against the Jets, Dolphins, and 49ers are replaced this year with ones against the Colts, Jaguars, and Cowboys. Eight wins would be a nice year for Cleveland and maybe keep them in the playoff hunt later into the season.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters II – In typical sequel fashion, this season won’t be as good as the last.

3. Baltimore Ravens – John Harbaugh takes over as head coach of the Ravens…uhhhh who? Do you think they meant to hire Jim Harbaugh? I feel you Ravens, you woke up after the 2007 season with a bad hangover and said, “what did we do?”
MOVIE: Quick Change – How quickly you changed into a bad team. Remember 13 wins in ’06?

4. Cincinnati Bengals – So you released repeat offender Chris Henry only to re-sign him again? I’m sure this time it’ll work (wink, wink…nudge, nudge…giggle). At least now the cops will make their “Bengals arrested in ’08” quota. My prediction: coach Marvin Lewis is fired after starting the season 0-9.
MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums – The Bengals are definitely an eccentric family.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars – This division should be fabulous. I’m giving the Jags the edge this year, in a very tight race. David Garrard’s QB rating of 102 last year was higher than Manning, Romo, and Favre. An efficient passing game paired with Fragile Fred Taylor and MJD “the human bowling ball“, this could be the Jags’ year.
MOVIE: What About Bob? – The Jags will keep winning until you have to notice them.

2. Indianapolis Colts – (WILD CARD) – Peyton and crew will again be one of the top teams in the AFC, just missing out on a seventh straight division title.
MOVIE: The Darjeeling Limited – I’m so sick of the Manning brothers, I’d love to put them on a train to India.

3. Tennessee Titans – Coming off a playoff appearance last year, I could see the Titans making another. A stifling defense and QB that just plain knows how to win, the Titans just miss this year.
MOVIE: Meatballs – RB LenDale White loves them!

4. Houston Texans – Maybe in another division, another time, etc. But another 8 wins would keep things interesting.
MOVIE: Kingpin – Can the underdog Texans compete with the flash of the other top AFC teams?

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers – A couple playoff wins last year and the Chargers are once again thinking Super Bowl. If this team can stay healthy, I think they’re the class of the AFC.
MOVIE: Scrooged – They seem to be learning from numerous playoff ghosts.

2. Oakland Raiders – Yes, that’s right the Raiders. They don’t have a shot at winning this division, but with a low end schedule and some young talent, you could win seven games. That might be enough to place second in the West. So Raider Fan, postpone that porn shoot, delay the gas station robbery, and make sure the jail cell has Direct TV because this season might be worth watching.
MOVIE: Charlie’s Angels – Beware though Raiders. As this movie proved, even surrounded by lots of sexy players, you can still suck.

3. Denver Broncos – Putting the Raiders in second in this division should tell you what I think of this year’s Donkeys. Last year’s seven wins included four by three points or less. So bringing in a kicker that’s 1 of 4 in his career might not be the best way to go.
MOVIE: Stripes – “C’mon, it’s Denver. We zip in, we pick ‘em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow.”

4. Kansas City Chiefs – On December 21st, you play the Miami Dolphins (who you also play in preseason…odd) in what could be the battle for last place in the AFC. If either team has a chance to finish the season winless, don’t disappoint me.
MOVIE: Caddyshack – find someplace warm to play golf in January.

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION:

So last year, the media overloaded us with the New York vs. Boston Super Bowl. This year, us fans that hate both cities get revenge. In the least watched Super Bowl in recent memory, the Seattle Seahawks defeat the Jacksonville Jaguars 20 – 17, sending Coach Wilford Brimley into retirement a winner.

As my handsome colleague G.I. Jab has reminded us, the Olympics have begun. It’s 2:25am and I have ten (officially “X“, I guess) HD channels devoted to the Olympics. This is strange because there are only four different things on right now. I guess I could picture-in-picture the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match and the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match, just to see if it ended differently.

Oh well…as I endure another sleepless night, deciding between watching Zoolander or committing suicide, I decide to surf the web looking for information on my new favorite Olympic sport. And here’s what I found:

Handball: “Grab It!”

Here’s a few quotes I’ve hear about the new blockbuster The Dark Knight:

“Everyone is broke now because Warner Brothers has all the money.” – some famous director at Comic Con
“If you don’t go see Dark Knight, Mike Tyson will come to your house and eat your children.” – Warner Brothers
“It was much better than Cats.” – GI Jab
“Screw the Dark Knight, go see Hellboy!” – random guy that mysteriously died five minutes after that sentence.

At risk of offending the entire world and getting my ass kicked by Christian Bale, I’m here to review The Dark Knight. Mullets, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ll give it 4 pigs, it was good, but it wasn’t great. As I wait for Warner Brothers to send ninjas to kill me, I’ll give you three reasons why.

#1 – Christian Bale’s Batman voice – You know what I’m talking about, that deep, raspy voice that’s supposed to intimidate everyone.
…Ok, now, we’re going to get interactive, I want you to do it with me. At the count of 3, say “Where is Rachel??!!” in your best Bale voice. Ready? 1, 2,

wait…I mean say it after 3, like 1, 2, 3, “Where is Rachel?” instead of actually on 3 like 1, 2, “Where is Rachel?” Ok? Glad we cleared that up. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

You didn’t you do it? That’s ok, I’ll wait…..
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Finally! Did you laugh a little? Me too.

#2 – The Gotham City Cops – Are these the stupidest people in the world? How come they can’t recognized the Joker’s men. Every scene with them was, “hey new cop, I’ve never seen you before, but will you drive the truck on this most dangerous mission? Ok, let’s go, nothing could possibly happen now.” Blah.

C. – The Hype – From what I heard, this was supposed to be the greatest thing ever, intense & brutal. mainstreaming comic book movies forever, changing water to wine, stopping global warming, cleaning up Chinese pollution, etc. Nothing could ever live up to that hype, but it does transform people’s opinion of what they see. Stay strong mullets, make up your own mind!

In conclusion, this is a high quality movie and you should see it. I really enjoyed numerous things:

1. Yes, Heath Ledger was great. But Aaron Eckhart’s performance (even if sadly CGI’d) and his journey toward evil was also outstanding in my opinion.
2. The fact that it wasn’t narrated by Morgan Freeman.
3. Touching on the state of humanity with the two boats and suspenseful ending.
4. Two and a half hours without hearing the name ‘Brett Favre’

SPOILER!!!!!!

5. The death of Rachel. I love when real characters die, it makes the movie so much more believable. (My apologies to Disney)

Enjoy mullets, but before you go screaming naked into the streets saying “Dark Knight is the greatest thing since beer and Steven Spielberg,” let’s remember that this movie couldn’t compete with classics like The Godfather, Casablanca, or Star Wars.

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BAM!!!!!!!

Oh no! ninjas….avenge meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shago’s back with something special! I have been watching movies, but not many qualified for a full review. So, here’s a few that you might catch flipping through the pay-per-view and movie channels. I’ll give you everything you need to know in this segment of Shago’s Quick Flicks:

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

If you liked the first installment of National Treasure, you’ll love the sequel. Why? Well…because it’s the exact same movie. The same actors hunt for a treasure. Replace the Declaration of Independence with the Presidential Book of Secrets and off we go! While this movie has good action and is fairly entertaining, it gets negative 3 pigs because it’s a rerun.

HOME OF THE BRAVE

Sam Jackson and Jessica Biel star in a dramatic film about soldiers returning from Iraq. All I can say is the Army must have one hell of a screwed up medical plan. Everyone has such beautiful straight white teeth, but disturbing mental issues. This is an emotional movie about a tough subject. Unfortunately, whenever I see Sam Jackson, I think of this. 1 snake + 1 plane = 2 pigs, it could have been better.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH/GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Remember when Dane Cook was funny? Me too, way before these two movies. 1 pig for the hot chicks.

RATATOUILLE

Amazingly, this move ranks #127 on IMDB.com’s User’s Top 250 movies of all time, beating out such crap as: Ben-Hur, Platoon, Gandhi, Glory, Scarface, and the far superior animated feature Toy Story. I only have one question: Was this movie supposed to be a comedy, drama, action, or zoophilia? Cause it really wasn’t funny, entertaining, exciting, or sexy. 0 pigs.

TALK TO ME

So you ask me, “Shago,if everything sucks, what should I watch?” Well, I’ll give you one. Don Cheadle plays 1960′s radio personality Petey Greene. This movie has a good cast, good story, and some sweet-ass fashion! Enjoy 4 pigs.

So there I was, taking the red-eye flight, back row, kinda drunk, kinda tired, Rocket Man still stuck in my head from the airport bar, and the movie started:

THE BUCKET LIST

Starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, this flick is about two terminally ill old men that create a list of things to do before you “kick the bucket.”

It really gets you thinking…I think I’ll start my list right now.

Shago’s Bucket List:

1. Invent a way to travel back in time and instead of watching this movie, find a large blunt object and bash my head until I’m unconscious.
2. Meet Peter Weller.
3. Get Winona.

Ok, I didn’t like it, but I’ll give you a quick recap. Edward (Jack Nicholson) is a billionaire that has nothing but his money. He meets Carter (Morgan Freeman) and steals him away from his ridiculously perfect family to do the “Bucket List.”

So they travel the world. And everywhere they go, Carter knows something. Seriously, he’s spouting life advice, quoting Tibetan religious prophecies, turning down hookers, and leading Ed to a more enlightened life.

Oh yeah, did I mention he’s supposed to be a mechanic? Now, I hate to stereotype, but when was the last time you stopped in for an oil change and the staff was sitting around drinking tea and reading Nietzsche?

Come to think of it, have you noticed that Morgan Freeman always plays god-like characters?
Like that time that he played God.
And if he’s not playing God, he’s, uhhhhh…playing God.
Or he’s narrating the life of penguins.

So in the end, this is a “comedy” about two old guys that die. Sure there’s a couple great actors, but both portray characters that are intended to be so extremely different that they become completely unbelievable.

I guess it either sucks or Morgan Freeman is God. You decide. It gets one pig for that one funny part.

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Uhhhh……just in case. Sorry Almighty Freeman, I loved Million Dollar Baby!

………………..

Wait,

No I just can’t do it. That movie was crap, too. See you in hell mullets!

Allow me to express some common and not-so-common opinions of this “made-for-film” novel.

First of all, I wish I would have known before going in that it was a book first, written back in tha day, by Upton Sinclair… this fun-loving guy from the 1900′s, who was raised by a liquor salesman(Anita=jealous!) and enjoyed the lighter side of ethics, socialism, religion and psychic powers. Not to mention pina coladas and long walks on the beach:

Spoiler alert!

[Obvious] (fark.com style) There will be blood? When? When I move to the theater that’s showing “Prom Night”?

[Amusing] A new use for your personal bowling alley = chugging moonshine, passing out drunk in the gutters and eating food off the floor, David Hasslehoff style.

[Interesting] I swear I had something for this category.. uhhhh… nevermind.. scratch that. I spent the entire show waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to drop.

[Florida] What kind of person just abandons their kid. That’s some cold hearted shit there.

[Dumbass] What kind of wicked codependancy kicks in that the kid comes back to the nutty father after being ditched, left broke, deaf and defenseless?

[Sad] Honest people only exist to get bitch-slapped. Even religious fanatics are bound to fall to the wicked ways of the dollar-dolla bill, y’all. Hmm this seems familiar…

[COOL] The explosions were alright I guess, and I liked how everyone was covered in black goo most of the time.

[Hero] Daniel Day Lewis was truly hateable. And did I mention covered in Goo!

Check it out people if you have 3 hours to spare and you don’t like yourself that much!
2 Pigs

I Want to Believe!! I loved the last X-files movie and I’m currently watching the entire collection of X-files TV shows on DVD (in order of course). Ok, now that it is clear what a major sci-fi nerd you’re dealing with here, I have a few comments about the upcoming flick. Check out the trailer here.

The poster with the big X is just rad, if I wasn’t trying to stop decorating my house a-la 8th grade, I would totally grab one of those.

The plotline and dialogue look to have some more depth than the previous show. I once fell asleep watching the first X-Files the Movie and I think I caught some subconsious suggestions. Found myself walking around with Tourette’s for the next week, frantically shouting, “Mulder?” “Scully?” “Mulder!!” “Scully!!”.

And if you needed any other reason to go see this one – how hot is Gillian Anderson with the long hair!?! Oh mama.

Porkmullet fans, you know where I’ll be July 25, 2008… drinking a couple bottles of wine and trying to beat GTA 4, you say?

Nope. This will be a different kind of Friday night. Fandango, your girl Anita, Gillian A, a diet coke spiked with Captain Morgan’s and a box of JuJuBees. Review to come.