Yes mullets, you are reading correctly, Shago has hitched his way to comic con again. But in a surprising twist this year, our sponsors have allowed me to use the free wi-fi available at the convention center to type up his aimless rants…

…as the disappointment of not getting a beverage at last call wears off, all I can do is continue to boo Hayden Christensen and give awards for what little I saw today.

BEST PERSON:
Without a doubt, Zoe Saldana (Uhura from Star Trek ’09). She was beautiful, insightful, and eloquent as she talked about the role of female characters in Hollywood. To give you an idea of how awesome she was…she was sitting next to Sigourney Weaver, and still blew everyone’s mind.

BEST PANEL
Dexter – First off, I think this is a fantastic show, so I may be bias. John Lithgow is the the new villain for next season, so I hope the show continues to impress. I’m a little afraid of Jennifer Carpenter now, but I like it.

BEST COSTUME
The fandango paper bag. I didn’t see any eyeholes, but it was crossing the street. Bravo, you took the most annoying thing about pre-movie seating and tried to get it hit by a car.

BEST OF THE REST
Bruce Campbell & Burn Notice. Never really watched the show, but Bruce was hilarious as always.

So there I was, confused, kinda drunk, empty flask on the hip, quite possibly dreaming…

…deserted on a tropical island with Brooke Shields…Audrey Hepburn calling me Fred…scattering Steve Buscemi’s ashes…Tom Hanks singing the Cowboy Song……Robert Duvall telling me that the waves break both ways…and fading away as Elisabeth Shue made me rice. Then I started thinking about…joining the army cause these are the same people I see at unemployment…or maybe I could invent the Opti-Grab…or should I just bet it all on Fleet Dreams…

…and then someone asked me, “What are your top five movies of all time?” A challenge that Shago will accept. My only disclaimer is that, in my opinion, great movies have to have “re-watch-ability.” There are great movies like Schindler’s List, Pan’s Lybyrinth, The Usual Suspects, Das Boot, Saving Private Ryan…etc, but, for the top of my pork list, I need it to be in my collection and always available.

1. Casablanca. Maybe I’m a rank sentimentalist, but easily the greatest movie ever made. Great actors portraying believable characters in a fabulous story. Drama, love, a great ending, and most of all, Bogart’s subtle comedy, “do you want a drink…of course not…mind if I have one?” Mullets, watch this movie again, it’s a masterpiece.

2. The Godfather. An easy choice. Great writing + great acting + great directing = brilliance. Am I the only one that can still watch a three hour movie?

3. The Sting – Newman & Redford, I love to watch it so I can remember what acting used to be. They make movies today to show guns, violence, women, suffering, etc in unending and incomprehensible actions scenes. They think this will cover up the fact that there is no story. Give me a movie like The Sting, I want more characters, I’ve already seen every explosion.

4. The Matrix, I’m not a big Keanu fan, but I really think this is a great movie. In fact, Joe Pantoliano and Hugo Weaving make the movie, they’re fabulous. Next time you watch it, take note of how many times you are captivated by them just talking. The sequels could never equal the original, but which ever could? (Phantom Menace, looking at you…). I’ll have trouble believing that you weren’t blown away the first time you saw this. Plus Carrie-Anne Moss in leather!

5. Raiders of the Lost Ark. After watching this , didn’t everyone want to be Indy? I know I did. Unfortunately, Kingdom of Crystal Skull did knock this down to 5…and still falling.

Honorable Mention

Star Wars: of course.

Jaws – I really want to put this in the top 5 and it may replace Raiders as I write this. After this movie came out, people became mortified of sharks, wow. Kinda like everyone fears Transformers, Hangovers, Cobra, Horowitz, Museums, Christian Bale’s next accent, and marrying Sandra Bullock now…right? …maybe? …hello? …can I get a hallelujah from 20C? …or not? Ok, those movies may be 80 minutes of “fun”, but after watching Jaws, you were seriously afraid of water…awesome.

Star Trek II – The Wrath of Khan: the best and only reason to consider that a sequel could be better than the original. Dear Hollywood, if Ricardo Montalban is not in your sequel, reconsider making it.

James Bond. Bond movies of the 70′s and 80′s were fantastic. And, in my opinion, really started its own genre (anything spy, government related…i.e. Bourne, Tom Clancy etc.) Well done.

The Shawshank Redemption: Excellent movie with all the elements of greatness. Great story, great character development, great ending. But can you watch Escape from Alcatraz with Clint Eastwood and still have the same respect for this movie? I can’t.
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And I might as well throw in the worst…off the top of my head…hmm…maybe something with Horowitz? How about Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael? Watched it with Anita Mandalay, and we agreed, quite possibly the worst thing I ever saw.

Dennis Quaid stars as secret service agent Barnes in the story of an assassination attempt on the President (William Hurt). The movie is told from the perspective of several characters. In order to give you my opinion on this movie, I have to tell you how it ends. So be careful, SPOILERS FOLLOW:

The President is in Spain for a meeting on terrorism and is set to speak in the middle of an open-air plaza. But, when he is called back to his hotel, his double heads to the speech. Of course, our evil-doers know this because secret service agent Taylor (Matthew Fox) is in on the whole plot. So, the assassination turns into a kidnapping and off we go. (By the way, the lead terrorist is Suarez (Said Taghmaoui) who masterminds all of this through his cell phone.)

I think the best way to do this is to split the movie into my likes and dislikes. So here we go:

SHAGO LIKED…

…the concept of this film. We see the assassination attempt, then we rewind and see it again from a different character’s perspective. Pretty cool..the first two or three times. Then we go again and again and again and yawn. Wait…should this be in the “like” category? Hmmm…anyhoo, moving on.

SHAGO DID NOT LIKE…

…the characters. Oh man, talk about being spoon fed some BS in order to make the characters believable. As my loyal readers know, this is one of my biggest complaints about movies these days. You can’t just give me one line of crap (see below) and expect me to care about the characters…but that’s a whole other post.

Let’s start with the President’s double. They make a point of telling us that they’ve used him before for photo shoots, but nothing this important. Ok, good enough, he must be convincing.

There’s Agent Barnes, who is just returning to work after taking a bullet for the President in an earlier assassination attempt. Ok, he’s tough, I bet he could survive a car crash.

Then there’s Javier (Edgar Ramirez) who, we’re told, has double secret super commando ninja skills. Ok, he’s a bad ass, that’s how he can kill about 20 secret service agents by himself. Oh, and he’s only doing this to get back his kidnapped brother. Kinda pointless, but what’s a movie without some futile in-fighting between the bad guys.

Lastly, there’s Howard (Forest Whitaker), an American tourist, who confesses to a random child that he’s having some family issues. Let me say that I really like Forest Whitaker as an actor. Unfortunately, he comes off looking more like a psycho child molester filming little girls than a concerned parent.

SHAGO RIDICULED…

…the car chase, about ten minutes of:
Drive, Turn, Crash, Barnes dialogue: “Shit!” Drive, Turn, Crash, Taylor dialogue: “Shit!”
Drive, Turn, Crash, Barnes dialogue: “Shit!” Drive, Turn, Crash, Taylor dialogue: “Shit!”
Drive, Turn, Crash, Barnes dialogue: “Shit!” Drive, Turn, Crash, Taylor dialogue: “Shit!”
Seriously.

SHAGO HATED…

…the ending. Let’s recap, our terrorists have: shot the President’s double, blown up a bomb in the middle of a crowded plaza, killed most of the secret service, turned on their henchmen, and are now escaping in an ambulance with the President. Until…dramatic pause…a stupid girl wanders out into the street in front of them looking for mama. The ambulance swerves to miss her and crashes, the end.
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Are you f’ing serious? They just killed hundreds of people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You expect me to believe that they give a crap about saving this kid’s life? Really, hit the kid, drive away, and you win.

Ugh, maybe I’m being too cruel. Or maybe I’m just too damn mean to be a terrorist.

8 Strangers, 8 Points of View, 1 Truth, 1 Pig.

You had me until the showering.

FUCK YEAH!!!

Here’s a few quotes I’ve hear about the new blockbuster The Dark Knight:

“Everyone is broke now because Warner Brothers has all the money.” – some famous director at Comic Con
“If you don’t go see Dark Knight, Mike Tyson will come to your house and eat your children.” – Warner Brothers
“It was much better than Cats.” – GI Jab
“Screw the Dark Knight, go see Hellboy!” – random guy that mysteriously died five minutes after that sentence.

At risk of offending the entire world and getting my ass kicked by Christian Bale, I’m here to review The Dark Knight. Mullets, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ll give it 4 pigs, it was good, but it wasn’t great. As I wait for Warner Brothers to send ninjas to kill me, I’ll give you three reasons why.

#1 – Christian Bale’s Batman voice – You know what I’m talking about, that deep, raspy voice that’s supposed to intimidate everyone.
…Ok, now, we’re going to get interactive, I want you to do it with me. At the count of 3, say “Where is Rachel??!!” in your best Bale voice. Ready? 1, 2,

wait…I mean say it after 3, like 1, 2, 3, “Where is Rachel?” instead of actually on 3 like 1, 2, “Where is Rachel?” Ok? Glad we cleared that up. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

You didn’t you do it? That’s ok, I’ll wait…..
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Finally! Did you laugh a little? Me too.

#2 – The Gotham City Cops – Are these the stupidest people in the world? How come they can’t recognized the Joker’s men. Every scene with them was, “hey new cop, I’ve never seen you before, but will you drive the truck on this most dangerous mission? Ok, let’s go, nothing could possibly happen now.” Blah.

C. – The Hype – From what I heard, this was supposed to be the greatest thing ever, intense & brutal. mainstreaming comic book movies forever, changing water to wine, stopping global warming, cleaning up Chinese pollution, etc. Nothing could ever live up to that hype, but it does transform people’s opinion of what they see. Stay strong mullets, make up your own mind!

In conclusion, this is a high quality movie and you should see it. I really enjoyed numerous things:

1. Yes, Heath Ledger was great. But Aaron Eckhart’s performance (even if sadly CGI’d) and his journey toward evil was also outstanding in my opinion.
2. The fact that it wasn’t narrated by Morgan Freeman.
3. Touching on the state of humanity with the two boats and suspenseful ending.
4. Two and a half hours without hearing the name ‘Brett Favre’

SPOILER!!!!!!

5. The death of Rachel. I love when real characters die, it makes the movie so much more believable. (My apologies to Disney)

Enjoy mullets, but before you go screaming naked into the streets saying “Dark Knight is the greatest thing since beer and Steven Spielberg,” let’s remember that this movie couldn’t compete with classics like The Godfather, Casablanca, or Star Wars.

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BAM!!!!!!!

Oh no! ninjas….avenge meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

So I finally had to say something. It’s been eating at me for a long time. I HATE when they show parents of athletes sitting in the stands. What the hell is the point of this? I already have to deal with a commercial every two minutes. Then, as soon as the game is back, I get a mom or dad in stands. Give me a break.

And don’t think I’m kidding this time jerks……Uhhhh, we’ll be back after this.

At this point, I’m specifically talking about the NCAA tourney. I don’t care that Athlete X has a mother. Ooooohhh, she’s crying, yeah great. By the way, both sides have parents and they are all probably crying. Do you just pick the one that cries the most? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Here’s an idea: Instead, just show the replay of that controversial call that you forgot about during the last break.

Ok…..maybe I’m getting a little carried away. Calm down…..relax…..Shago will be back after this quick break.

Unfortunately, it happens in all sports. The first time I remember this painful trend was Bubby Brister’s mom, circa 1991. She used to flail around like she was possessed every time Bub got hit. Feel free to add a comment for your memories.

Yep, ole Ma Brister. (…porkmullet.com is proud to announce that we have partnered with Ma Brister and Atari to bring you this post.)

So, just stop it, damn it. No, don’t argue, just stop it and show the bloody game. Wait, no, I mean the game, you know, on the court, field, ice, etc.

Oh screw it.

If something doesn’t change, we’re on an express elevator to Hell, goin’ down! And I’m done, game over man.

Yeah, this post might suck, but, at least I didn’t have to lick anyone.

Take that for all you 80′s kids that are super happy about the Transformer Movie, for us 90′s lovers we get a treat too, The Spice Girls are back. As I sit here and remember back to when I first saw the sexual sirens that were The Spice Girls, I wonder, what have they been up to for the past oh say 10 years. So I thought I would ask around and see what other people thought, true PorkMullet.com reporting.
(note – some of the names have been changed to protect those on probation)

Question, What do you think the spice girls have been up to on their 10 years off, from making awesome music?

“mofo – “Instead of Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Sporty… they can be
Scarry, Has Been, Jiggly, Plump, and Saggy – so when do they rebrand their group as The Spice MILFs?

Reporter’s Thoughts: WTF mofo? You know the Spice Girl’s names, damn dude it is time you took down that Spice Girl poster from the back of your closet door and come out. Geez.

Office Gnome -”boning rich guys, and one had a music career.”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Christ, again, why the hell do you know that one of them had a music career, you probably downloaded her album from itunes, better yet you probably downloaded it illegally and the .01274 cents you stole made her kids starve, bet that makes you feel pretty good.

The Count – “hmmm… making babies?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Lucky for us you aren’t making babies.

Dirk Diggler – “Blowing transients for drug money?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Now that is a creative response, but something tells me there is a personal experience factor here.

Cubical Jockey #3 – “serving me in bed”

Reporter’s Thoughts: The only thing that has seen your bed are your Babylon 5 action figures

Sad Office Girl – “i have a CD of theirs!!!!!! – i LOVE it”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Wow, so your the one – my advice…..I don’t have any just enjoy yourself..freak

Seymour Butz – “not sure? getting fat?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: As one of my fellow PorkMullet writers, I would have thought you would have something better than that, we need to screen these Jokers better.

Happy Pants – “I think they spent all of their cash (other than Beckham’s wife) and they are trying to milk the past for all it’s worth.”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Jealous huh?

Fashion Bug – “they’re probably making some cool new shoes, can you believe I used to have a pair?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: I bet you get all the guys with those kicks. Remember Kangaroo’s or Roo’s for the cool kids?

Angry Child – “nothing, doing drugs and being bulimic”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Bulimic girls are hot.

Too White To Be Fly Guy -”taking it on the chin”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Is that video on YouTube?

Anita Mandalay – “YES!”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Thanks Anita, that leaves it wide open

So there you have it, some true voice of the people stuff. And this reporter is confident that the decision these brave pioneers of pop music, to beat the odds and come back is going to be embraced by a loving American (Spice Girl Starved) Public.

Damn, but who would you rather do?

Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Sporty

Have you ever bought in to advertising for a product so much that you are super excited to take it home and rip off the packaging? Well, that’s how I was about the movie Knocked Up. The trailer for this movie looked hilarious. I love the cast. I loved that the movie company released some deleted scenes to YouTube prior to the release of the movie. I’m in, I’m sold, where can I buy the action figures???

Oh wait, then I went and actually saw this steaming pile over the weekend.

The thing is, you and I have seen this movie before. An ass-load of times. Let me remind you of the plot:

- Chick is getting a promotion at her job.
- Chick goes out to celebrate.
- Chick hooks up with loser guy with no job.
- They screw.
- Chick gets pregnant.
- They decide to try to become a happy family.
- Chick goes mental about 4 months in.
- Chick kicks guy out of the picture.
- Dude becomes Mr. Perfect.
- Dude walks in right before the birth.
- They get back together as the baby is half way out of chick’s cooch.
- Everybody is so happy you just about kill yourself.

So, what’s different about this movie, you might ask. It’s the amount of times they say Fuck. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing more. Have a nice FUCKING day.

I’m sorry, but I was expecting more. Yes, there are some funny scenes. Yes, I laughed a few times. But, considering I thought the coolest part was that B.J. Novak had a cameo where he hits on the pregnant chick while the dude is standing right there… Yeah, I’m gonna have to say this one sucked.