The commercial says, “Sandra Bullock’s best performance.” Strange that this makes me want to see the movie less.

I want to live in the sauce!
-Homer

This may not be the most timely of posts, but I feel obligated to inform the world… worst Die Hard… ever. How embarassing that this was allowed to be made. I mean, did you see how the (badly CGI’d) jet flew over that bridge, stopped on a dime, did a 360 and flew over the semi, almost vivisecting Bruce Willis? If not for Kevin Smith and the Credence outro this is unwatchable. Thank all that is holy that I did not spend any money sleeping through this in the theater.

Lucy grew up kinda hot, 1 pig.

Yes, it’s that time again. After a long July with nothing good to watch, football is back! Shago is here to bring you his annual preview of the AFC. Without further delay: a preview of each team, the order that I believe they will finish, and a corresponding Bill Murray film:

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots – In the last five years, only one team (’06 Seattle) has made the playoffs after a losing the previous Super Bowl. The cursed Pats won’t be perfect this year, but should win the division again.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters – If there’s something strange…spying on your coach…who you gonna call?

2. Buffalo Bills (WILD CARD) – Coming off a 7-9 season that included a couple close losses, the Bills should be expecting some good things this year, right? Oh Buffalo, we can’t trust you to win anything. But, with a schedule that includes Miami twice and the NFC West, I’ll give you a playoff spot. Ok, you owe me now, so change the Buffalo Slugs back to the Buffalo Sabres, please!
MOVIE: Where the Buffalo Roam – I’ve never seen it, but it has Buffalo in the title.

3. New York Jets – Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Madden Curse. Wow that was insightful, eh? I could work for ESPN.
MOVIE: Groundhog Day – I keep waking up and Sportscenter is always the same.

4. Miami Dolphins – There’s only one way to forget about last year’s one win season, that’s 0-16. The acquisition of QB Chad Pennington might be worth a win or two, but think of it this way, long time Dolphins Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, and Chris Chambers have a good shot at the playoffs.
MOVIE: Ed Wood – He was the worst director in history, could this team be the worst ever too?

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Strong on both sides of the ball, I expect the Steelers to win their second straight division title. Well…that was boring, let’s go to the videotape!
MOVIE: Lost in Translation – The Steelers are lost behind the Pats, Colts, Chargers, and Jags in the AFC.

2. Cleveland Browns – A nice 10 win season last year for the Browns, but let’s remember that they played a last place schedule. Last year’s games against the Jets, Dolphins, and 49ers are replaced this year with ones against the Colts, Jaguars, and Cowboys. Eight wins would be a nice year for Cleveland and maybe keep them in the playoff hunt later into the season.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters II – In typical sequel fashion, this season won’t be as good as the last.

3. Baltimore Ravens – John Harbaugh takes over as head coach of the Ravens…uhhhh who? Do you think they meant to hire Jim Harbaugh? I feel you Ravens, you woke up after the 2007 season with a bad hangover and said, “what did we do?”
MOVIE: Quick Change – How quickly you changed into a bad team. Remember 13 wins in ’06?

4. Cincinnati Bengals – So you released repeat offender Chris Henry only to re-sign him again? I’m sure this time it’ll work (wink, wink…nudge, nudge…giggle). At least now the cops will make their “Bengals arrested in ’08” quota. My prediction: coach Marvin Lewis is fired after starting the season 0-9.
MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums – The Bengals are definitely an eccentric family.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars – This division should be fabulous. I’m giving the Jags the edge this year, in a very tight race. David Garrard’s QB rating of 102 last year was higher than Manning, Romo, and Favre. An efficient passing game paired with Fragile Fred Taylor and MJD “the human bowling ball“, this could be the Jags’ year.
MOVIE: What About Bob? – The Jags will keep winning until you have to notice them.

2. Indianapolis Colts – (WILD CARD) – Peyton and crew will again be one of the top teams in the AFC, just missing out on a seventh straight division title.
MOVIE: The Darjeeling Limited – I’m so sick of the Manning brothers, I’d love to put them on a train to India.

3. Tennessee Titans – Coming off a playoff appearance last year, I could see the Titans making another. A stifling defense and QB that just plain knows how to win, the Titans just miss this year.
MOVIE: Meatballs – RB LenDale White loves them!

4. Houston Texans – Maybe in another division, another time, etc. But another 8 wins would keep things interesting.
MOVIE: Kingpin – Can the underdog Texans compete with the flash of the other top AFC teams?

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers – A couple playoff wins last year and the Chargers are once again thinking Super Bowl. If this team can stay healthy, I think they’re the class of the AFC.
MOVIE: Scrooged – They seem to be learning from numerous playoff ghosts.

2. Oakland Raiders – Yes, that’s right the Raiders. They don’t have a shot at winning this division, but with a low end schedule and some young talent, you could win seven games. That might be enough to place second in the West. So Raider Fan, postpone that porn shoot, delay the gas station robbery, and make sure the jail cell has Direct TV because this season might be worth watching.
MOVIE: Charlie’s Angels – Beware though Raiders. As this movie proved, even surrounded by lots of sexy players, you can still suck.

3. Denver Broncos – Putting the Raiders in second in this division should tell you what I think of this year’s Donkeys. Last year’s seven wins included four by three points or less. So bringing in a kicker that’s 1 of 4 in his career might not be the best way to go.
MOVIE: Stripes – “C’mon, it’s Denver. We zip in, we pick ‘em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow.”

4. Kansas City Chiefs – On December 21st, you play the Miami Dolphins (who you also play in preseason…odd) in what could be the battle for last place in the AFC. If either team has a chance to finish the season winless, don’t disappoint me.
MOVIE: Caddyshack – find someplace warm to play golf in January.

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION:

So last year, the media overloaded us with the New York vs. Boston Super Bowl. This year, us fans that hate both cities get revenge. In the least watched Super Bowl in recent memory, the Seattle Seahawks defeat the Jacksonville Jaguars 20 – 17, sending Coach Wilford Brimley into retirement a winner.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

I am the Walrus?