I wanted to do a full review but, after being thoroughly disappointed with the ending, only needed a haiku:

New terminator
Skynet to kill John Connor
Stupid heart transplant

So I was pretty much a lazy piece of crap in 2008. I quit my job to pursue my lifelong dream of getting drunk on my porch while flicking off the passing hobos and throwing stones at small children. It was wonderful I must say, but all I really have to show for it is a beer gut, a couple lawsuits, and a few less years to live. So, I decided to punish myself for these slothful ways. Call it Shago’s penance or act of contrition or any other word I vaguely remember from Sunday School twenty years ago.

For my punishment, I forced myself to watch Winona Ryder movies…numerous Winona Ryder movies. Now, we all know that Winona Horowitz (her given name) is just awful. I mean can anyone watch Alien: Resurrection without enjoying this part?

So let’s get started. Remember mullets, I am a trained professional, DO NOT attempt this at home.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

Tim Burton’s creatively uncomfortable story of Edward (Johnny Depp) and his scissor hands trying to fit into suburbia. This is really a fascinating movie but, let’s face it, it’s ruined by Horowitz trying to be a blond. In the end, Kim (Horowitz) falls in love with Edwards because he’s so innocent, has cool scars, and wears leather pants. But their love is not to be. Actually, this ending is not sad. I mean who wouldn’t prefer an eternity of isolation to the love of Horowitz? 3 pigs, a really good movie, but doesn’t make Shago’s top tier.

SEX AND DEATH 101

Roderick (Simon Baker) receives a strange list that includes every women he has ever had sex with and all of his future sexual partners. He breaks off his engagement and starts down the list.

In separate but colliding stories, Death Nell (Horowitz) is a serial killer seducing and murdering her male sexual partners. You see where this is going…

The best part of this movie is that Horowitz really doesn’t have much of a role until the end. Silly, but still kinda fun, this film wasn’t terrible, 2 pigs.

HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT

A bunch of old ladies are making a quilt for Finn’s (Horowitz) wedding. They sit around and tell stories about their lives. The movies flashes forward and backwards to these stories until you are utterly confused. Or maybe I was too busy bashing of my head against the wall and praying for death to understand. What I got is that Finn is worried about getting married so she has sex with some random hot guy. Somehow, this is her husband’s fault. Then, her thesis is ruined when it is blown away by an angry gust of wind. But she feels better when the quilt is done.

I think the point of this story is that men are bad because they have a penis and women are awesome because they can quilt. I guess we’ll have to live with that, 0 pigs.

BOYS

After a fall from her horse, a couple of kids from an all boys school find Patty (Horowitz) unconscious in a field. Patty is a 25 year old ugly, strange gal who is being investigated by the police in connection with the disappearance of a baseball star. Her rescuer, John (Lukas Haas), instantly falls for her because he is also ugly and strange. Patty ends up getting this poor high schooler drunk and then rapes him. After getting arrested, they “escape” from the two-story police station with the help of an ultra fast elevator and station wagon. We are only left to hope that they crash and die a horribly painful death.

In a strange twist, John C. Reilly plays the police officer. I kept waiting for him to say a quote from Talladega Nights or Walk Hard, but it never came…mullets…(sob)…(sob)…it never came. This movie is one of the worst pieces of crap I’ve seen, 0 pigs.

CONCLUSION

So there you have it. Now that I have stopped crying and trying to burn my eyes out, I would like to introduce the new Shago, a changed man
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…kill me Billy…

Shago’s back with something special! I have been watching movies, but not many qualified for a full review. So, here’s a few that you might catch flipping through the pay-per-view and movie channels. I’ll give you everything you need to know in this segment of Shago’s Quick Flicks:

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

If you liked the first installment of National Treasure, you’ll love the sequel. Why? Well…because it’s the exact same movie. The same actors hunt for a treasure. Replace the Declaration of Independence with the Presidential Book of Secrets and off we go! While this movie has good action and is fairly entertaining, it gets negative 3 pigs because it’s a rerun.

HOME OF THE BRAVE

Sam Jackson and Jessica Biel star in a dramatic film about soldiers returning from Iraq. All I can say is the Army must have one hell of a screwed up medical plan. Everyone has such beautiful straight white teeth, but disturbing mental issues. This is an emotional movie about a tough subject. Unfortunately, whenever I see Sam Jackson, I think of this. 1 snake + 1 plane = 2 pigs, it could have been better.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH/GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Remember when Dane Cook was funny? Me too, way before these two movies. 1 pig for the hot chicks.

RATATOUILLE

Amazingly, this move ranks #127 on IMDB.com’s User’s Top 250 movies of all time, beating out such crap as: Ben-Hur, Platoon, Gandhi, Glory, Scarface, and the far superior animated feature Toy Story. I only have one question: Was this movie supposed to be a comedy, drama, action, or zoophilia? Cause it really wasn’t funny, entertaining, exciting, or sexy. 0 pigs.

TALK TO ME

So you ask me, “Shago,if everything sucks, what should I watch?” Well, I’ll give you one. Don Cheadle plays 1960′s radio personality Petey Greene. This movie has a good cast, good story, and some sweet-ass fashion! Enjoy 4 pigs.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

The meaning of life,

Life is known as a wholesome cereal with a delicious taste that millions of adults and children love. Last year, 39 million boxes of Life and Cinnamon Life were sold. If placed end to end, the boxes sold in one year would stretch all the way from New York to Tokyo!

Life Cereal was introduced in 1961 by the Quaker Oats Company as a cereal which “would help kids grow strong”. In the early 70′s, Life Cereal became famous for being the cereal that even Mikey, a finicky little 4 year old who “hates everything”, loved to eat. Life stayed with the Mikey campaign for years and even today people everywhere remember Mikey.

In 1978, we thought it was time to add a little spice to our Life. So we introduced Cinnamon Life and Cinnamon lovers everywhere were thrilled. Today, about one-third of all Life Cereal sold is Cinnamon flavor.
In the 1980′s Life began featuring real life kids on its package, and is still the only cereal to do so. In 1997, Life went on a nationwide search for the “Next Mikey” to represent the new generation of Life eaters. More than 35,000 kids between the ages of three and twelve entered the contest. Brianna Hughes, an energetic 5-year-old girl from Florida, was chosen as the next “Mikey.”

In 1999, Life celebrated real kids through the “Are You a Real Life Kid?” contest. Winners were chosen from over 20,000 entries based on their ability to convey their enthusiasm and love of Life.
In 2000, Life Cereal brought back the popular Mikey commercial that first made its debut in the early 70′s and became a pop culture icon. But the new commercial has a special twist…an all-new adult cast, proving Life Cereal and “Mikey” are two things people never outgrow.

The original Mikey Life Cereal commercial aired nationally from 1972 through 1984, becoming one of the longest running commercials of all time and earning itself a place in the hearts and minds of a generation.
Although the commercial has not been shown regularly on TV for over 15 years, people still remember the finicky four-year old. A recent research study revealed that 70% of adults could identify the Life Cereal ad from just the description! And, in 1999, the “Mikey” commercial ranked number 10 in TV guide’s, “The 50 Greatest Commercials of All Time.”

In 2001, Life Cereal first aired the current award winning advertising campaign “Life is Full of Surprises.” In each ad, we see kids making a surprising choice — choosing Life Cereal over more indulgent foods like candy, cookies and donuts. That’s because Life has a surprisingly delicious taste for a wholesome cereal. Life is the simple cereal that your kids will choose more often!

In 2004, Life Cereal introduces Honey Graham Life, the first addition to the brand in 25 years. This delicious flavor marries the taste of graham with golden honey into one great taste.

So Everyone, the meaning of life is to eat a good breakfast each day, I prefer Beer and Cheese Puffs, and always, whatever you do, make sure that “Mikey Likes” it .