The commercial says, “Sandra Bullock’s best performance.” Strange that this makes me want to see the movie less.

So I didn’t rush out to the theater to see the fourth installment of Indiana Jones because, being a sequel, I really wasn’t that excited for it. But, as I was eating my Thanksgiving turkey chili cheese fries, I decided to give it a shot and picked it up on demand.

Now, I could bore and tell you about the plot, actors, etc. but you already know it. The bad guys need Indy to find the artifact because they are dumb and then they’ll use its power to conquer the world. Sound familiar? Thought so, so all I did was write down of bunch of alternate titles for the movie. Enjoy:

Indiana Jones and…the Communists that can’t shoot straight, I mean dude, he’s like three feet away from you
Indiana Jones in…oh my god, another movie with Shia LaBeouf
Indiana Jones and…the stuntman with a gray wig on
Indiana Jones in…how to survive an atom bomb without a scratch
Indiana Jones and…of course its his kid, can you be more predictable?
Indiana Jones and…the truck with a random RPG in the back
Indiana Jones in…he always gets away from the bad guys, but don’t worry, they’ll catch him again
Indiana Jones and…the Communists that run out of ammo and then throw their guns away, I mean you came all the way to the Amazon jungle with a bunch of trucks, why didn’t you bring extra bullets?
Indiana Jones and…the random cliff with a road next to it
Indiana Jones and…the monkeys that hate Communists
Indiana Jones in…Ants Gone Wild
Indiana Jones and…the Communists that can shoot every native in the temple, but still can’t hit Indy
Indiana Jones in…Alien vs. Communist – Requiem
Indiana Jones and…the guy that stops for gold always dies
Indiana Jones and…if they make more of these movies with Shia as the new Indy, I’m gonna vomit

This movie was decent, but all it really did was take Raiders and change the scenery, 2 pigs.

You had me until the showering.

Shago’s back with something special! I have been watching movies, but not many qualified for a full review. So, here’s a few that you might catch flipping through the pay-per-view and movie channels. I’ll give you everything you need to know in this segment of Shago’s Quick Flicks:

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

If you liked the first installment of National Treasure, you’ll love the sequel. Why? Well…because it’s the exact same movie. The same actors hunt for a treasure. Replace the Declaration of Independence with the Presidential Book of Secrets and off we go! While this movie has good action and is fairly entertaining, it gets negative 3 pigs because it’s a rerun.

HOME OF THE BRAVE

Sam Jackson and Jessica Biel star in a dramatic film about soldiers returning from Iraq. All I can say is the Army must have one hell of a screwed up medical plan. Everyone has such beautiful straight white teeth, but disturbing mental issues. This is an emotional movie about a tough subject. Unfortunately, whenever I see Sam Jackson, I think of this. 1 snake + 1 plane = 2 pigs, it could have been better.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH/GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Remember when Dane Cook was funny? Me too, way before these two movies. 1 pig for the hot chicks.

RATATOUILLE

Amazingly, this move ranks #127 on IMDB.com’s User’s Top 250 movies of all time, beating out such crap as: Ben-Hur, Platoon, Gandhi, Glory, Scarface, and the far superior animated feature Toy Story. I only have one question: Was this movie supposed to be a comedy, drama, action, or zoophilia? Cause it really wasn’t funny, entertaining, exciting, or sexy. 0 pigs.

TALK TO ME

So you ask me, “Shago,if everything sucks, what should I watch?” Well, I’ll give you one. Don Cheadle plays 1960′s radio personality Petey Greene. This movie has a good cast, good story, and some sweet-ass fashion! Enjoy 4 pigs.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

From Chimpanzees to Orangutans to Rhesus Monkeys, I can’t resist em. Who knows where it started… could it have been Fletch in a Gibbon suit? Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back with an unholy reunion with their adopted “son” at the diner? Matthew Broderick’s Project X catastrophe? Or do I just blame it on Sigorney Weaver? Well, who’s to say… but these guys are so cute, they can get away with flinging their own poop! Now, I’m not necessarily a fan of taxidermy, but I appreciate a good stuffed monkey just as much or more as the next guy. Dane Cook explains it best when he says that every guy secretly dreams of having a pet monkey – you can come home from work every day and guarantee that somewhere in your place, there will be an honest-to-goodness, biting, clawing, jumping monkey battle!

ME – “Monkey… are you home??”
MONKEY – “Yes I’m here in the closet!”
ME – “This is incredibly strange, I can understand you!”
MONKEY – “I know, I taught myself how to talk!”
ME – “Let’s fight!”
(Mortal Kombat soundtrack kicks in)

Wow. Stuff I only dream about.