The commercial says, “Sandra Bullock’s best performance.” Strange that this makes me want to see the movie less.

My Fellow Mullets,

There comes a time in every man’s life when he sees the end. I guess, accepting his own mortality as a human being, movie fan, writer, Horowitz hater, filthy wine-loving hobo, etc. For me, the time has come…again. The other day, I saw that Universal is planning a remake of one of my favorite movies: ‘Slap Shot’ starring the late, great Paul Newman.

Peter Steinfeld (‘21‘) will write it and he says:
“Right now I’m finishing writing the re-make of the iconic hockey movie Slap Shot for Universal. I’ve never had so many people hate me for writing something they haven’t seen yet. It’s such a classic film and fans of the original feel like I’m grave-robbing or something. But I think the movie will be really fun and will capture what it’s like to play minor league hockey in 2008.”

I couldn’t have said it much better, you’re grave-robbing a classic that fans will hate you for. Hmm…my work here is done. I guess, once again, Hollywood has proved to me that it has no … original … ideas … left.

Another little part of my soul will die when this movie is released.

Brent Musberger: You are looking live at Hell, where we will visit with our own Jimmy “The Greek” as we bring you this year’s National Football Conference preview live on CBS.

da da … da da da da da da

Brent: As we get you ready for all of the NFC football action this year, let us now go live to Hell, where our own Jimmy “The Greek” has been on fire with his predicitons lately. First of all Jimmy, how did you end up in such an awful place?

Jimmy “The Greek”: Well Brent, us Greeks believe in a lot of gods. Turns out none of them were right. Also, I am a racist.

Brent: I see. Well Jimmy, what can you tell us about the NFC this year?

Jimmy: Well Brent, the NFC is going to be a dog fight.

Brent: That joke is so last year.

Jimmy: Well Brent, I’ve been down here a long time. Cut me some slack. Anyway, I can see the St. Louis Cardinals making some noise in the NFC East.

Brent: Uh Jimmy. The Cardinals are in the NFC West.

Jimmy: What?

Brent: The divisions were realigned. The Cardinals moved to Arizona in like 1988. And the Seattle Seahawks have been in the NFC since 2002. In fact, we don’t even broadcast NFC games anymore. We broadcast the AFC. I don’t even work for CBS. I’m just trying to do a bit here.

Jimmy: (Head spinning) Well, Brent, I don’t see you having much success this year. But I do see a great year for the teams with lots of n…(poked with pitchforks)..err, African Americans. I have the divisions as follows:

Jimmy: In the NFC East, first I’ve got thePhiladelphia Eagles – That Ron Jaworski can really throw the ball. The Eagles have a tall wide receiver in Harold Carmichael and a great kicker in Tony Franklin. They may score 9, perhaps 10 points a game.

Brent: Jimmy? How long you say you’ve been down there?

Jimmy: In the NFC Central, Lynn Dickey and Eric Hipple lead such aerial assaults for the Packers and Lions respectively, I can see this race coming down to week 16 with the Bears winning it.

Brent: That doesn’t make sense.

Jimmy: So basically, what I’m trying to say is that the two-headed QB monster that is Pat Haden and Vince Ferregamo will have the Los Angeles Rams back in the Super Bowl this year.

Brent: I can’t even begin to tell you how that statement is wrong. Anyway, we are going to go live to our NFC correspondent, G.I. Jab for his NFC preview. G.I.

G.I. Jab: Thanks, Brent. Loved you in Rocky, by the way.

Brent: It was Rocky II.

Jab: Is your name not Warner Wolf? I saw Rocky II, and that was not you.

Brent: Yes, it was!

Jab: The black guy? Anyway, here are my NFC picks as they correspond to Sly Stallone movies.

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys – It has to be Rhinestone. Jessica Simpson thinks she is in Dolly Parton’s league. Just like Wade Phillips think’s he’s in Wilson Phillips’ league. This team has a lot talent, but difficulty getting over the playoff hump. I like them to win the division but once again get tripped up in January.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (WILDCARD) – You’d think the obvious choice for Philadelphia would be Rocky or one of the Rockies, etc. But you’d be flat out wrong. What a dumbass you are for thinking that. The Eagles most closely resemble Victory. Hey, how about that? Not too shabby. Barring injuries to its one good player (that’s right, Pele) and this team just seems to get it done just like those POWs in Victory.

3. New York Giants – The Giants are definitely Rocky V. They are riding high after ending the communist reign of the New England Patriots. But brain damage and other injuries are starting to take their tolls, and they may find themselves in a street fight this year. And they might ultimately suck. The loss of Osi Umenyiora is devasting, but at least he can get back to doing what he does best.

4. Washington Redskins – It really hurts me to put my favorite team in this position. But after that 47-3 shellacking they took from the Panthers last weekend, I just can’t get a read on these guys. That is why I compare them to Cliffhanger: a pretty shitty movie with some cool parts. And I can see Jim Zorn running this team like Lithgow ran the bad guys.

NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers – Definitely Rocky III. Steve Smith is Clubber Lang, and Ken Lucas is Rocky. When Smith returns after week 2, Lucas should kick his ass. Just think. if Kevin Greene was still on the Panthers he would be Thunderlips.

2. Tampa Bay Bucs (WILDCARD) – Rambo: First Blood Part II. Monte Kiffin’s defense seems to deliver every year. They are a tenacious bunch who leaves lots of carnage in their wake. I still have nightmares about that time Ronde Barber killed my dad.

3. New Orleans Saints – Oscar. This team has a good QB with some decent weapons, but I don’t think their style of football matches up with the rough and tumble ways of the NFC, kind of like Stallone in another shitty comedy.

4. Atlanta Falcons – The obvious choice is Lock Up. Once again, this joke would have worked better last year.

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers – If I can get through this pick without writing the words “Brett Favre,” DAMMIT!!! Rocky Balboa. The Packers wife may have died and the fans are a bit down on their luck. But Aaron Rodgers just has to matriculate the ball down the field with his talented group of young skill players. The defense is still pretty good. It may have been dumb to trade the GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME, but at the end of the day, what you’ve got here is a team that is ready to get down to business.

2. Minnesota Vikings – Copland. This is everybody’s sexy pick, just like everybody thought Copland would restore Sly’s respectability as an actor. Really??? Did he ever have respectability as an actor? As a director, totally. I mean Staying Alive was awesome! But that’s neither here nor there. As we all know, the Vikes’ QB play is up in the air. They have a lot of talent, but I don’t think they have that combination that’s going to get them over the hump quite yet.

3. Detroit Lions – Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. They stink. Seriously. When are people going to stop believing that this is the year they turn the corner.

4. Chicago Bears – First Blood. Watch out, Bears. You may have drawn first blood, but the rest of the NFC is coming for you like Stallone. Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman would be wise to hide out in some bar and call it a season. Something tells me Cedric Benson got the better end of this deal. Speaking of better end, watch for a young David Caruso in this movie. I know jokes about his career choice after NYPD Blue are a bit cliche at this point, but if this prediction holds true, this will be sort of like the Bears peaking as the Super Bowl runner-up two years ago. Who’s with me? Anyone?

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks – Rocky. These guys are easily forgettable but always eager to rise to the challenge. Mike Holmgren is The Walrus. Andy Reid may have the mustache, the chestsweat, the grab-ass skills, even the ballsack, but he is not in The Walrus’s league.

2. Arizona Cardinals – Over the Top. Everybody’s sexy pick the last few years until AD happened, the Cardinals are putting the pieces in place and may need another year to get over the top. I don’t mean to lump the Cards in with such an incredibly bad movie, but in studying their history, I would say this is pretty appropriate.

3. San Francisco 49ers – Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. The “Spy” part would have been too east with the Patriots in the AFC. But the Game Over part works well with the 49ers. Their QB situation will most likely be iffy thoughout the season, and new Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz will probably forget that he has a good running back in Frank Gore. All I can say is “Game over, man! Game Over!”

4. St. Louis Rams – Judge Dredd. I’m afraid this team may just be dreadful. How’d you like my pun? Do you too think the Rams will be pun-ished this year? Judge, Jury, Executioner? I judge that the Rams will have a problem with execution this year, and a jury of team managment will decide to execute the coaching staff.

Jab: So there you have it, Brent. I know I’ve forgotten some Stallone gems in there, but there are only 16 teams in the NFC, and Stallone has starred in at least two good movies. By the way, what was it like working with Dan Fouts in The Waterboy?

Brent: The sexual tension nearly sent me over the edge. Who do you have in the Super Bowl?

G.I. Jab: I like the Seahawks to represent the NFC. I think the Colts are going to make it back in the AFC. Peyton Manning may be playing with less of a sack this year. But until somebody in their division knocks them off, I see them continuing to be a formidable force in the AFC. Peace out, everybody.

Yes, it’s that time again. After a long July with nothing good to watch, football is back! Shago is here to bring you his annual preview of the AFC. Without further delay: a preview of each team, the order that I believe they will finish, and a corresponding Bill Murray film:

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots – In the last five years, only one team (’06 Seattle) has made the playoffs after a losing the previous Super Bowl. The cursed Pats won’t be perfect this year, but should win the division again.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters – If there’s something strange…spying on your coach…who you gonna call?

2. Buffalo Bills (WILD CARD) – Coming off a 7-9 season that included a couple close losses, the Bills should be expecting some good things this year, right? Oh Buffalo, we can’t trust you to win anything. But, with a schedule that includes Miami twice and the NFC West, I’ll give you a playoff spot. Ok, you owe me now, so change the Buffalo Slugs back to the Buffalo Sabres, please!
MOVIE: Where the Buffalo Roam – I’ve never seen it, but it has Buffalo in the title.

3. New York Jets – Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Madden Curse. Wow that was insightful, eh? I could work for ESPN.
MOVIE: Groundhog Day – I keep waking up and Sportscenter is always the same.

4. Miami Dolphins – There’s only one way to forget about last year’s one win season, that’s 0-16. The acquisition of QB Chad Pennington might be worth a win or two, but think of it this way, long time Dolphins Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, and Chris Chambers have a good shot at the playoffs.
MOVIE: Ed Wood – He was the worst director in history, could this team be the worst ever too?

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Strong on both sides of the ball, I expect the Steelers to win their second straight division title. Well…that was boring, let’s go to the videotape!
MOVIE: Lost in Translation – The Steelers are lost behind the Pats, Colts, Chargers, and Jags in the AFC.

2. Cleveland Browns – A nice 10 win season last year for the Browns, but let’s remember that they played a last place schedule. Last year’s games against the Jets, Dolphins, and 49ers are replaced this year with ones against the Colts, Jaguars, and Cowboys. Eight wins would be a nice year for Cleveland and maybe keep them in the playoff hunt later into the season.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters II – In typical sequel fashion, this season won’t be as good as the last.

3. Baltimore Ravens – John Harbaugh takes over as head coach of the Ravens…uhhhh who? Do you think they meant to hire Jim Harbaugh? I feel you Ravens, you woke up after the 2007 season with a bad hangover and said, “what did we do?”
MOVIE: Quick Change – How quickly you changed into a bad team. Remember 13 wins in ’06?

4. Cincinnati Bengals – So you released repeat offender Chris Henry only to re-sign him again? I’m sure this time it’ll work (wink, wink…nudge, nudge…giggle). At least now the cops will make their “Bengals arrested in ’08” quota. My prediction: coach Marvin Lewis is fired after starting the season 0-9.
MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums – The Bengals are definitely an eccentric family.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars – This division should be fabulous. I’m giving the Jags the edge this year, in a very tight race. David Garrard’s QB rating of 102 last year was higher than Manning, Romo, and Favre. An efficient passing game paired with Fragile Fred Taylor and MJD “the human bowling ball“, this could be the Jags’ year.
MOVIE: What About Bob? – The Jags will keep winning until you have to notice them.

2. Indianapolis Colts – (WILD CARD) – Peyton and crew will again be one of the top teams in the AFC, just missing out on a seventh straight division title.
MOVIE: The Darjeeling Limited – I’m so sick of the Manning brothers, I’d love to put them on a train to India.

3. Tennessee Titans – Coming off a playoff appearance last year, I could see the Titans making another. A stifling defense and QB that just plain knows how to win, the Titans just miss this year.
MOVIE: Meatballs – RB LenDale White loves them!

4. Houston Texans – Maybe in another division, another time, etc. But another 8 wins would keep things interesting.
MOVIE: Kingpin – Can the underdog Texans compete with the flash of the other top AFC teams?

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers – A couple playoff wins last year and the Chargers are once again thinking Super Bowl. If this team can stay healthy, I think they’re the class of the AFC.
MOVIE: Scrooged – They seem to be learning from numerous playoff ghosts.

2. Oakland Raiders – Yes, that’s right the Raiders. They don’t have a shot at winning this division, but with a low end schedule and some young talent, you could win seven games. That might be enough to place second in the West. So Raider Fan, postpone that porn shoot, delay the gas station robbery, and make sure the jail cell has Direct TV because this season might be worth watching.
MOVIE: Charlie’s Angels – Beware though Raiders. As this movie proved, even surrounded by lots of sexy players, you can still suck.

3. Denver Broncos – Putting the Raiders in second in this division should tell you what I think of this year’s Donkeys. Last year’s seven wins included four by three points or less. So bringing in a kicker that’s 1 of 4 in his career might not be the best way to go.
MOVIE: Stripes – “C’mon, it’s Denver. We zip in, we pick ‘em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow.”

4. Kansas City Chiefs – On December 21st, you play the Miami Dolphins (who you also play in preseason…odd) in what could be the battle for last place in the AFC. If either team has a chance to finish the season winless, don’t disappoint me.
MOVIE: Caddyshack – find someplace warm to play golf in January.

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION:

So last year, the media overloaded us with the New York vs. Boston Super Bowl. This year, us fans that hate both cities get revenge. In the least watched Super Bowl in recent memory, the Seattle Seahawks defeat the Jacksonville Jaguars 20 – 17, sending Coach Wilford Brimley into retirement a winner.

I could swear I was watching a tribute to the Bloomin’ Onion.

You had me until the showering.

As my handsome colleague G.I. Jab has reminded us, the Olympics have begun. It’s 2:25am and I have ten (officially “X“, I guess) HD channels devoted to the Olympics. This is strange because there are only four different things on right now. I guess I could picture-in-picture the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match and the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match, just to see if it ended differently.

Oh well…as I endure another sleepless night, deciding between watching Zoolander or committing suicide, I decide to surf the web looking for information on my new favorite Olympic sport. And here’s what I found:

Handball: “Grab It!”

FUCK YEAH!!!

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
JABS: You never paid for drugs.

So I finally had to say something. It’s been eating at me for a long time. I HATE when they show parents of athletes sitting in the stands. What the hell is the point of this? I already have to deal with a commercial every two minutes. Then, as soon as the game is back, I get a mom or dad in stands. Give me a break.

And don’t think I’m kidding this time jerks……Uhhhh, we’ll be back after this.

At this point, I’m specifically talking about the NCAA tourney. I don’t care that Athlete X has a mother. Ooooohhh, she’s crying, yeah great. By the way, both sides have parents and they are all probably crying. Do you just pick the one that cries the most? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Here’s an idea: Instead, just show the replay of that controversial call that you forgot about during the last break.

Ok…..maybe I’m getting a little carried away. Calm down…..relax…..Shago will be back after this quick break.

Unfortunately, it happens in all sports. The first time I remember this painful trend was Bubby Brister’s mom, circa 1991. She used to flail around like she was possessed every time Bub got hit. Feel free to add a comment for your memories.

Yep, ole Ma Brister. (…porkmullet.com is proud to announce that we have partnered with Ma Brister and Atari to bring you this post.)

So, just stop it, damn it. No, don’t argue, just stop it and show the bloody game. Wait, no, I mean the game, you know, on the court, field, ice, etc.

Oh screw it.

If something doesn’t change, we’re on an express elevator to Hell, goin’ down! And I’m done, game over man.

Yeah, this post might suck, but, at least I didn’t have to lick anyone.