Watch Speed, then Speed 2, then Die Hard 3, then Lethal Weapon 4. Once you’ve stopped screaming at your television, imagine those with even more unecessary explosions, worse actors, stupider plots, unconnected and unexplained side stories, radically impossible stunts, crappier soundtracks and predictable endings. Not possible you say? I beg to differ. This movie makes you want to shiv yourself.

Hello again mullets and welcome to another addition of Shago’s Random Thoughts (or ShaRTs as I just named them). Today’s movie is Jurassic Park starring Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, and Laura Dern. As I watched this movie for the third time this month, I began wondering many things, so I decided to write them down. Enjoy:

First off, do I even like this movie? Is it Laura Dern? I mean she’s not really hot and seriously looks like a stick. And I don’t really like movies with kids in them. That one kid was in Tremors and that movie sucked. I guess the effects are pretty sweet. I did watch Land of the Lost as a child, so maybe I really like dinosaurs, weird. I can’t believe they’re remaking that.

That dude getting eaten while on the toilet is sweet; Hope I don’t go out that way.

Sam Neill looks pretty cool in that hat, I wonder if I would look that cool? Probably not, I mean when would I even wear it? He can even pull off that that scarf/bandanna thing around his neck. That’s strange because it makes that kid look pretty queer.

Wouldn’t Jeff Goldblum look better with a big patch of chest hair coming out of that shirt? And doesn’t he play the exact same character in Independence Day? I wonder if anyone remembers an old movie he was in called Transylvania 6-5000? I bet it would really piss off Ed Begley Jr if I bought like 60 copies of that movie, then didn’t recycle the plastic DVD boxes. You know who else plays the same character all the time? Oliver Platt. Flatliners, A Time to Kill, Frost/Nixon, that quirky and smart but kinda wussy guy. He should be in this movie.

If there weren’t so many commercials in college basketball, I wonder if I’d even be watching this?

If I made a joke about that girl saying Meat-A-Saurus, would anyone laugh? I bet they’d just think I was some kind of pedophile. Better not risk it.

Sam Jackson has a cigarette in his mouth the whole movie, but does he ever inhale? I hope I don’t watch this whole movie again just to find out. When they find his arm, his hand should totally have a cigarette in it.

If raptors are so smart, why couldn’t they figure out how to clone themselves? Losers.
.
.
.
Well, I hoped you enjoyed this quick insight into Shago’s brain. Until next post…

So I was pretty much a lazy piece of crap in 2008. I quit my job to pursue my lifelong dream of getting drunk on my porch while flicking off the passing hobos and throwing stones at small children. It was wonderful I must say, but all I really have to show for it is a beer gut, a couple lawsuits, and a few less years to live. So, I decided to punish myself for these slothful ways. Call it Shago’s penance or act of contrition or any other word I vaguely remember from Sunday School twenty years ago.

For my punishment, I forced myself to watch Winona Ryder movies…numerous Winona Ryder movies. Now, we all know that Winona Horowitz (her given name) is just awful. I mean can anyone watch Alien: Resurrection without enjoying this part?

So let’s get started. Remember mullets, I am a trained professional, DO NOT attempt this at home.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

Tim Burton’s creatively uncomfortable story of Edward (Johnny Depp) and his scissor hands trying to fit into suburbia. This is really a fascinating movie but, let’s face it, it’s ruined by Horowitz trying to be a blond. In the end, Kim (Horowitz) falls in love with Edwards because he’s so innocent, has cool scars, and wears leather pants. But their love is not to be. Actually, this ending is not sad. I mean who wouldn’t prefer an eternity of isolation to the love of Horowitz? 3 pigs, a really good movie, but doesn’t make Shago’s top tier.

SEX AND DEATH 101

Roderick (Simon Baker) receives a strange list that includes every women he has ever had sex with and all of his future sexual partners. He breaks off his engagement and starts down the list.

In separate but colliding stories, Death Nell (Horowitz) is a serial killer seducing and murdering her male sexual partners. You see where this is going…

The best part of this movie is that Horowitz really doesn’t have much of a role until the end. Silly, but still kinda fun, this film wasn’t terrible, 2 pigs.

HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT

A bunch of old ladies are making a quilt for Finn’s (Horowitz) wedding. They sit around and tell stories about their lives. The movies flashes forward and backwards to these stories until you are utterly confused. Or maybe I was too busy bashing of my head against the wall and praying for death to understand. What I got is that Finn is worried about getting married so she has sex with some random hot guy. Somehow, this is her husband’s fault. Then, her thesis is ruined when it is blown away by an angry gust of wind. But she feels better when the quilt is done.

I think the point of this story is that men are bad because they have a penis and women are awesome because they can quilt. I guess we’ll have to live with that, 0 pigs.

BOYS

After a fall from her horse, a couple of kids from an all boys school find Patty (Horowitz) unconscious in a field. Patty is a 25 year old ugly, strange gal who is being investigated by the police in connection with the disappearance of a baseball star. Her rescuer, John (Lukas Haas), instantly falls for her because he is also ugly and strange. Patty ends up getting this poor high schooler drunk and then rapes him. After getting arrested, they “escape” from the two-story police station with the help of an ultra fast elevator and station wagon. We are only left to hope that they crash and die a horribly painful death.

In a strange twist, John C. Reilly plays the police officer. I kept waiting for him to say a quote from Talladega Nights or Walk Hard, but it never came…mullets…(sob)…(sob)…it never came. This movie is one of the worst pieces of crap I’ve seen, 0 pigs.

CONCLUSION

So there you have it. Now that I have stopped crying and trying to burn my eyes out, I would like to introduce the new Shago, a changed man
.
.
.
…kill me Billy…

In a lame attempt to remake “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” Director Mira Nair sends Kumar on a wild coming-of-age journey. After rejecting his Indian roots for most of his adolescence and early adulthood, it takes the tragic loss of his father to convince Kumar to travel to India and search for the lost Sankara stones. Finding the stones will restore balance to the force and return the stolen children to the small village of New York. I guess the loss of your father is symbolism for having your heart ripped out. But the original “Indiana Jones” actually had a guy’s heart getting ripped out.

You see, to borrow a line from classic Homer, “When I’m bored, I make up my own movie.”

Damn, this is racist!

1 Pig.

In honor of the recent wedding of one of our dear First Daughters, here is a presidential Who Would You Rather Do?

Jenna Bush

Jenna Jameson

This Bush

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
JABS: You never paid for drugs.

So here I am again. Up into the early AM and pondering whether to sleep or finish my friendly bottle of wine. I haven’t posted in a while. I think I am losing my enthusiasm for movies. Maybe I’m getting too old, but I’ve realized that nothing is original anymore. (Sly Stallone, I’m looking at you…I’ll lend you a couple bucks, just don’t do another Tango & Cash…please!)

So here’s my plan: Watch a recent movie and hope it doesn’t suck. So, I pull up the movies on demand and start browsing:

Spiderman 3
Saw 4
Rush Hour 3
Pirates 3
Ocean’s 13
Fantasic Four 2. Does that make it Fantastic 8? Weird. Anyhoo…
Jackass 2.5
Santa Claus 3
Harry Potter 3
Bourne 3
Shrek 3
Resident Evil 3
…ahhhh, sequels, dignity’s last paycheck.

Ok, so I’m not a big fan of sequels, well, except for Star Trek 2 (Wrath of Khan was the best & only Star Trek movie needed). I’ll have to chose randomly. We get….Live Free or Die Hard. MF’er that’s a sequel too! And I’ve already seen it. How can this kid dodge cars, bullets, bad buys, helicopters, etc. but never lose his laptop? Last time I got shot at, I was moving so fast, I had trouble keeping my pants on.

Let’s try again: ‘Pop Go the Wiggles!’ Uhhhhhhhh, I really can’t watch that. A drunk man, watching the Wiggles…alone? Looks like it’s suicide again for me…unless I give it one more chance. Here goes:

Shoot ‘em Up! – Staring Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti.

So stay tuned all you porkmullet fans, the review for this one is coming up next…

Last night was the premier of the not so long or never awaited movie Species the Awakening. How great is this? But then as I thought about it I was like, wait a minute, haven’t they made this movie, several times? Or are the Species movies really made to be fill in sequels to every movie every made?

Species the Awakening is a made for Sci Fi movie that you can’t miss. It stars Helen Mattsson, soon to be known for her adult film career, but already known for her stunning performance as the ‘Beautiful Blonde’ on the hit show Kitchen Confidential. WTF is Kitchen Confidential, who makes this shit?

Anyway back to may theory, this is the official plot from IMDB for Species the Awakening:
“A scientist, Dr Holander, takes his niece Miranda to Mexico in an attempt to reverse the effects of the alien DNA he used to create her. However the treatment goes horribly wrong, and sets Miranda on a killing spree as she sets out to find a mate”

Species III Plot:
“While being transported in a military ambulance and supposed dead, Eve delivers an offspring and is killed by a half-breed. The baby girl is abducted by Dr. Abbot, and a couple of days later she grows up, reaching adulthood and becoming a gorgeous young woman called Sara. But while Sara unsuccessfully chases a perfect mate for her to generate a perfect being, the flawed half-breeds leaded by Amelia try to reproduce with her to survive their species.”

Species II Plot:
“Mykelti Williamson and Justin Lazard are a pair of astronauts who make the first successful manned mission to Mars. Lazard’s character gets infected by an alien and slowly begins to mutate. When they get back to Earth all he has on his mind is to have sex with Henstridge! The surviving team members from the first film team up with a peaceful, genetically re-engineered Sil to track the monster down.

Species Plot:
A group of four specialists are given the task of tracking down Sil. “She” is part human, part alien, beautiful, strong, very dangerous and desperate to mate with a human.

I have no idea where I am going with this, other than the fact I made PorkMullet.com readers know the plot to every Species movie ever made.

My work here is done.

As you can tell by the title, this is a nice lighthearted Sunday afternoon movie. And what better soundtrack to pair it with than…. you guessed it… Insane Clown Posse! Break out the tea and crumpets, invite the in-laws over and settle in for a sight and sound extravaganza, I say. Boy were we excited when we found this gem at Blockbuster, gently tucked away between Deadly Dreams and Dentist 2(Brace Yourself). Wicked rapping clowns AND demons, Y-E-S, yes!

The plot is very realistic, as you may have guessed. We start off with a hot-bodied lady archaeologist in the middle of nowhere with her father. First they are attacked by a random machine-gun toting middle-eastern extremist (who speaks perfect English), and the doctor lady gets her tank top ripped off in the scuffle. Cue the hero to save the day… you know the type… he looks like a cross between porn star and cage fighter? That’s the one. Said stud rips his own shirt off, reads a cheesy line off his cue card and kicks some ass. The only shocker here is that guy can kinda read.

Little do they know however, it’s only the beginning of their troubles. I mean, it’s really gonna be one of those days for our team. The kind of day where you accidentally stumble upon the portal to Hell at the bunker of Hades and have to battle Satan for the sake of all man and woman-kind, stop Armageddon and still make time for that steamy shower with a demon that travels through the water pipes.

This movie has 2 of the worst scenes ever seen, hands down. One being where the token army guy fights with a puppet for a good 10 minutes straight while green goo spurts every which way. I think at some point it just started repeating the same clips over and over… the guy is covered in goo… then no goo.. then goo again.. more goo…. I would rather watch a 24-hour marathon of You Can’t Do That On Television reruns while being lit on fire than watch that again. The second worst scene of all time is the ending. Apparently they ran out of budget really quick because midway in we go from a decent home-video quality to South Park-esque cartoon drawings. I hate to spoil the ending for everyone, but you probably already stopped reading anyway and are speeding to the local movie shop to rent…no buy, this DVD. Well, it turns out that the Devil is a dog. Our hero goes into the portal of Hell, and when he cuts the doggie’s head off, it looks sort of like 2 crayoned triangles of construction paper being sliced apart by kindergarten scissors. I’m sure I made better art (if you can call it that) when I was 5.

So what is the upside to this flick? Well, the aforementioned shower scene involves nice boobs. You will get to hear some of the raunchiest rap lyrics of all time. You will laugh some, but mostly just sit in front of the screen with your mouth hanging open in sheer disbelief. Did I mention boobs?

0 Pigs.

Its indendepence day for all you lazy Americans, so I thought I’d get into the spirit by watching a classic American movie: Red Dawn starring Patrick Swayze, Powers Boothe, and that dude from Terminal Velocity. Apparently a coalition of Soviet & Cuban forces invade Colorado and start World War III. The first thing I thought while watching this movie was: Is there any scene in this movie that doesn’t suck?

The scene with the Soviet army burning books…suck.

The scene where the kids’ dad is yelling, “Avenge me! Avenge me!” Dude, suck x 12. Stop whining and clean the blood off your face.

The scene that just shows trees and snow and “December” at the bottom of the screen…yep, that sucks too. Who picked that font?

The scene where Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey dance dirty together…uuhhh, sorry….nevermind…..I’ve never seen that movie.

As I delved more into the movie, I thought back to all my military training. You see I learned alot about war tatics from my time on a Soviet sub with Sean Connery. Like, why did they invade Colorado? Wouldn’t they want to capture a port somewhere near Russia or heck, maybe Cuba? Do they want to eliminate John Elway’s teeth before the President? Am I drunk on Russian or Polish vodka? What is Nougat? Wait a minute, do the commie’s know where I am? Oh god…they found me…I don’t know how, but they found me. RUN FOR IT, SHAGO!!!!!!!!~!

To say the least, I was disappointed. I’ll finish this later, Steel Dawn is coming on. I’m sure its more realistic.

Oh yeah, who would you rather do? The Cuban Captain:

Or Warren Moon:

Think about it…It’s almost scary how identical their ears are.