Watch Speed, then Speed 2, then Die Hard 3, then Lethal Weapon 4. Once you’ve stopped screaming at your television, imagine those with even more unecessary explosions, worse actors, stupider plots, unconnected and unexplained side stories, radically impossible stunts, crappier soundtracks and predictable endings. Not possible you say? I beg to differ. This movie makes you want to shiv yourself.

My Fellow Mullets,

There comes a time in every man’s life when he sees the end. I guess, accepting his own mortality as a human being, movie fan, writer, Horowitz hater, filthy wine-loving hobo, etc. For me, the time has come…again. The other day, I saw that Universal is planning a remake of one of my favorite movies: ‘Slap Shot’ starring the late, great Paul Newman.

Peter Steinfeld (‘21‘) will write it and he says:
“Right now I’m finishing writing the re-make of the iconic hockey movie Slap Shot for Universal. I’ve never had so many people hate me for writing something they haven’t seen yet. It’s such a classic film and fans of the original feel like I’m grave-robbing or something. But I think the movie will be really fun and will capture what it’s like to play minor league hockey in 2008.”

I couldn’t have said it much better, you’re grave-robbing a classic that fans will hate you for. Hmm…my work here is done. I guess, once again, Hollywood has proved to me that it has no … original … ideas … left.

Another little part of my soul will die when this movie is released.

You had me until the showering.

Shago’s back with something special! I have been watching movies, but not many qualified for a full review. So, here’s a few that you might catch flipping through the pay-per-view and movie channels. I’ll give you everything you need to know in this segment of Shago’s Quick Flicks:

NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS

If you liked the first installment of National Treasure, you’ll love the sequel. Why? Well…because it’s the exact same movie. The same actors hunt for a treasure. Replace the Declaration of Independence with the Presidential Book of Secrets and off we go! While this movie has good action and is fairly entertaining, it gets negative 3 pigs because it’s a rerun.

HOME OF THE BRAVE

Sam Jackson and Jessica Biel star in a dramatic film about soldiers returning from Iraq. All I can say is the Army must have one hell of a screwed up medical plan. Everyone has such beautiful straight white teeth, but disturbing mental issues. This is an emotional movie about a tough subject. Unfortunately, whenever I see Sam Jackson, I think of this. 1 snake + 1 plane = 2 pigs, it could have been better.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH/GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Remember when Dane Cook was funny? Me too, way before these two movies. 1 pig for the hot chicks.

RATATOUILLE

Amazingly, this move ranks #127 on IMDB.com’s User’s Top 250 movies of all time, beating out such crap as: Ben-Hur, Platoon, Gandhi, Glory, Scarface, and the far superior animated feature Toy Story. I only have one question: Was this movie supposed to be a comedy, drama, action, or zoophilia? Cause it really wasn’t funny, entertaining, exciting, or sexy. 0 pigs.

TALK TO ME

So you ask me, “Shago,if everything sucks, what should I watch?” Well, I’ll give you one. Don Cheadle plays 1960′s radio personality Petey Greene. This movie has a good cast, good story, and some sweet-ass fashion! Enjoy 4 pigs.

So there I was, taking the red-eye flight, back row, kinda drunk, kinda tired, Rocket Man still stuck in my head from the airport bar, and the movie started:

THE BUCKET LIST

Starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, this flick is about two terminally ill old men that create a list of things to do before you “kick the bucket.”

It really gets you thinking…I think I’ll start my list right now.

Shago’s Bucket List:

1. Invent a way to travel back in time and instead of watching this movie, find a large blunt object and bash my head until I’m unconscious.
2. Meet Peter Weller.
3. Get Winona.

Ok, I didn’t like it, but I’ll give you a quick recap. Edward (Jack Nicholson) is a billionaire that has nothing but his money. He meets Carter (Morgan Freeman) and steals him away from his ridiculously perfect family to do the “Bucket List.”

So they travel the world. And everywhere they go, Carter knows something. Seriously, he’s spouting life advice, quoting Tibetan religious prophecies, turning down hookers, and leading Ed to a more enlightened life.

Oh yeah, did I mention he’s supposed to be a mechanic? Now, I hate to stereotype, but when was the last time you stopped in for an oil change and the staff was sitting around drinking tea and reading Nietzsche?

Come to think of it, have you noticed that Morgan Freeman always plays god-like characters?
Like that time that he played God.
And if he’s not playing God, he’s, uhhhhh…playing God.
Or he’s narrating the life of penguins.

So in the end, this is a “comedy” about two old guys that die. Sure there’s a couple great actors, but both portray characters that are intended to be so extremely different that they become completely unbelievable.

I guess it either sucks or Morgan Freeman is God. You decide. It gets one pig for that one funny part.

……..

Uhhhh……just in case. Sorry Almighty Freeman, I loved Million Dollar Baby!

………………..

Wait,

No I just can’t do it. That movie was crap, too. See you in hell mullets!

The end is here mullets!!! Repent!! Get drunk, take viagra, & have unprotected sex!! Eat trans fat!! I don’t care its all over!!

Will Smith, the man who once saved the world, plays Robert Neville, the last man on earth (based on Robert Matheson’s novel). In 2009, a deadly virus wiped out the human race. Apparently, in a desperate attempt to contain the virus, they sealed off New York.

Wait, wait…stop the review, forget the movie. I have to ask: shouldn’t we just do this now? What possible negative could come from sealing off NYC right now? I mean,

1. In 1997, it became a prison anyways.
2. We could eliminate this guy from the gene pool.
C. Just imagine if the New York Giants won the Super Bowl, something like this might happen.

Think about it.

Ok, moving on…what little life that survived has turned into angry mutant monsters that really want to kill Willie. So…

(SPOILER ALERT!), in the end, he does find some other people and its….a scrawny chick and a kid………what?!!?!!? 5 billion people died, but these two made it? You lost me there. I mean, if they had a tough SOB like Danny Glover with them, then, maybe.

This movie was decent, a little suspense, a little action, zombies, dogs, bacon, etc. It reminds me a little of an M. Night Shyamalan movie…but one where something actually happens. Enjoy, but don’t get your hopes up, 3 pigs.

HUMORLESS COMMENTARY:

I’m adding an addition to this review. My loyal readers often ask me, “Shags, do you have anything good to say about said movie?”

So I will add a positive. Although it was overshadowed by surprising, screaming zombies, Will Smith actually does some acting. You get a taste of his character’s desperate attempt to find a cure for the virus. Not to only to save humanity, but also to cure his increasing isolation and loneliness.

Yeah…suck on that one Roger Ebert.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

Boy what a piece-o-shit (we’re all adults here). Some random guy at the local Blockbuster recommended this to me and I thought maybe, just maybe it may be funny due to the Vince Vaughn factor. No. No. and Noooooo.

It’s wasn’t worth the plastic is was pressed on. I kept asking myself Why????? For example…

? Why were they together in the first place? All we get is cheesy montage at the beginning to pseudo explain the “courtship”. It seems they both like bowling, what could possibly go wrong?

? Why doesn’t VV have a job in this whole thing? He gets to play Madden all day and bang Jennifer Aniston? Sign me up. What are the qualifications for this part?

? Where is Courtney Cox?

Ok so I suffered through the whole thing. I think I will get into heaven now. Just when I was reminding myself… down, not across, Vince had a stellar finish. To paraphrase…

“There is a bar downstairs. Please enjoy yourselves. I know it’s early in the morning, but it’s summer in Chicago, who are we kidding. Go get hopped up, make some bad decisions. ”

That pretty much sums it up kids.