I wanted to do a full review but, after being thoroughly disappointed with the ending, only needed a haiku:

New terminator
Skynet to kill John Connor
Stupid heart transplant

Watch Speed, then Speed 2, then Die Hard 3, then Lethal Weapon 4. Once you’ve stopped screaming at your television, imagine those with even more unecessary explosions, worse actors, stupider plots, unconnected and unexplained side stories, radically impossible stunts, crappier soundtracks and predictable endings. Not possible you say? I beg to differ. This movie makes you want to shiv yourself.

So I was pretty much a lazy piece of crap in 2008. I quit my job to pursue my lifelong dream of getting drunk on my porch while flicking off the passing hobos and throwing stones at small children. It was wonderful I must say, but all I really have to show for it is a beer gut, a couple lawsuits, and a few less years to live. So, I decided to punish myself for these slothful ways. Call it Shago’s penance or act of contrition or any other word I vaguely remember from Sunday School twenty years ago.

For my punishment, I forced myself to watch Winona Ryder movies…numerous Winona Ryder movies. Now, we all know that Winona Horowitz (her given name) is just awful. I mean can anyone watch Alien: Resurrection without enjoying this part?

So let’s get started. Remember mullets, I am a trained professional, DO NOT attempt this at home.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

Tim Burton’s creatively uncomfortable story of Edward (Johnny Depp) and his scissor hands trying to fit into suburbia. This is really a fascinating movie but, let’s face it, it’s ruined by Horowitz trying to be a blond. In the end, Kim (Horowitz) falls in love with Edwards because he’s so innocent, has cool scars, and wears leather pants. But their love is not to be. Actually, this ending is not sad. I mean who wouldn’t prefer an eternity of isolation to the love of Horowitz? 3 pigs, a really good movie, but doesn’t make Shago’s top tier.

SEX AND DEATH 101

Roderick (Simon Baker) receives a strange list that includes every women he has ever had sex with and all of his future sexual partners. He breaks off his engagement and starts down the list.

In separate but colliding stories, Death Nell (Horowitz) is a serial killer seducing and murdering her male sexual partners. You see where this is going…

The best part of this movie is that Horowitz really doesn’t have much of a role until the end. Silly, but still kinda fun, this film wasn’t terrible, 2 pigs.

HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT

A bunch of old ladies are making a quilt for Finn’s (Horowitz) wedding. They sit around and tell stories about their lives. The movies flashes forward and backwards to these stories until you are utterly confused. Or maybe I was too busy bashing of my head against the wall and praying for death to understand. What I got is that Finn is worried about getting married so she has sex with some random hot guy. Somehow, this is her husband’s fault. Then, her thesis is ruined when it is blown away by an angry gust of wind. But she feels better when the quilt is done.

I think the point of this story is that men are bad because they have a penis and women are awesome because they can quilt. I guess we’ll have to live with that, 0 pigs.

BOYS

After a fall from her horse, a couple of kids from an all boys school find Patty (Horowitz) unconscious in a field. Patty is a 25 year old ugly, strange gal who is being investigated by the police in connection with the disappearance of a baseball star. Her rescuer, John (Lukas Haas), instantly falls for her because he is also ugly and strange. Patty ends up getting this poor high schooler drunk and then rapes him. After getting arrested, they “escape” from the two-story police station with the help of an ultra fast elevator and station wagon. We are only left to hope that they crash and die a horribly painful death.

In a strange twist, John C. Reilly plays the police officer. I kept waiting for him to say a quote from Talladega Nights or Walk Hard, but it never came…mullets…(sob)…(sob)…it never came. This movie is one of the worst pieces of crap I’ve seen, 0 pigs.

CONCLUSION

So there you have it. Now that I have stopped crying and trying to burn my eyes out, I would like to introduce the new Shago, a changed man
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…kill me Billy…

We all know that China has a horrible record when it comes to human rights. Well, what about animal rights???

I say we start eating pandas until they stop eating dogs.

You had me until the showering.

FUCK YEAH!!!

In a lame attempt to remake “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” Director Mira Nair sends Kumar on a wild coming-of-age journey. After rejecting his Indian roots for most of his adolescence and early adulthood, it takes the tragic loss of his father to convince Kumar to travel to India and search for the lost Sankara stones. Finding the stones will restore balance to the force and return the stolen children to the small village of New York. I guess the loss of your father is symbolism for having your heart ripped out. But the original “Indiana Jones” actually had a guy’s heart getting ripped out.

You see, to borrow a line from classic Homer, “When I’m bored, I make up my own movie.”

Damn, this is racist!

1 Pig.

The diet soda was cold. The popcorn bucket was bottomless. The salt packets and napkins were handy. The rum was generic. Not a single crying kid was to be found in the entire theater. Everthing seemed perfect you say?
Aye captain… too perfect. (queue crickets and creepy theme music)

Gillian Anderson did look delicious. Duchovny seemed a bit Californified Mulder, sporting a wicked filthy-hippy(thanks Shago) beard:

Ok, time to settle in and let the magic happen! I sat back in my comfy red velvet reclining seat, safely stowed by beverage in it’s proper and upright position and steadied myself for the newest and no doubt fascinating conspiracy theories.

Next thing I know, Amanda Peet shows up….waaaiiittt a minute! WTF?? Who invited her and what is she doing with all those clothes on?????

Ok so we’ve hit a speedbump, I can forgive this tragic casting faux pas. Every man has his faults, even Chris Carter must have a casting couch. No problemo, I get it. Let’s move on. Time for some plot!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Fast forward to the beginning of hour 2, Mullets… Mulder and Scully are making out(blech!) and Peetey The Cop is the only one yelling “Mulder!!!” as she frantically searches for the man who committed the atrocities upon humanity (uhhh of some sort, I dont’ really see where we’re going with this). Mmmm~ popcorn! Nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…hay!!

After nodding off for a quick power nap, I take a bathroom break and come back hoping for a renewed leash on life, and some kind of story development. My spirits are broken as I realize that the only climax we’re going to get is from this guy…?

Yes sir, it’s the Assistant Director himself to save the day. Lord knows Scully and Mulder are too busy kissyfaced. Yuk.

What can I say kids… I could have found you a better plot if I closed by eyes and threw a dart at my XFiles DVD collection. Easily. Drunk on whiskey and blindfolded. With both hands tied behind my back. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow too. I mean Stem Cells for christs sake? Sooo last year my friends.

Ok I’m over it now. What a frustrating couple of hours. Ugh. 2 Pigs.

So there I was, taking the red-eye flight, back row, kinda drunk, kinda tired, Rocket Man still stuck in my head from the airport bar, and the movie started:

THE BUCKET LIST

Starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, this flick is about two terminally ill old men that create a list of things to do before you “kick the bucket.”

It really gets you thinking…I think I’ll start my list right now.

Shago’s Bucket List:

1. Invent a way to travel back in time and instead of watching this movie, find a large blunt object and bash my head until I’m unconscious.
2. Meet Peter Weller.
3. Get Winona.

Ok, I didn’t like it, but I’ll give you a quick recap. Edward (Jack Nicholson) is a billionaire that has nothing but his money. He meets Carter (Morgan Freeman) and steals him away from his ridiculously perfect family to do the “Bucket List.”

So they travel the world. And everywhere they go, Carter knows something. Seriously, he’s spouting life advice, quoting Tibetan religious prophecies, turning down hookers, and leading Ed to a more enlightened life.

Oh yeah, did I mention he’s supposed to be a mechanic? Now, I hate to stereotype, but when was the last time you stopped in for an oil change and the staff was sitting around drinking tea and reading Nietzsche?

Come to think of it, have you noticed that Morgan Freeman always plays god-like characters?
Like that time that he played God.
And if he’s not playing God, he’s, uhhhhh…playing God.
Or he’s narrating the life of penguins.

So in the end, this is a “comedy” about two old guys that die. Sure there’s a couple great actors, but both portray characters that are intended to be so extremely different that they become completely unbelievable.

I guess it either sucks or Morgan Freeman is God. You decide. It gets one pig for that one funny part.

……..

Uhhhh……just in case. Sorry Almighty Freeman, I loved Million Dollar Baby!

………………..

Wait,

No I just can’t do it. That movie was crap, too. See you in hell mullets!

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.