Yes mullets, you are reading correctly, Shago has hitched his way to comic con again. But in a surprising twist this year, our sponsors have allowed me to use the free wi-fi available at the convention center to type up his aimless rants…

…as the disappointment of not getting a beverage at last call wears off, all I can do is continue to boo Hayden Christensen and give awards for what little I saw today.

BEST PERSON:
Without a doubt, Zoe Saldana (Uhura from Star Trek ’09). She was beautiful, insightful, and eloquent as she talked about the role of female characters in Hollywood. To give you an idea of how awesome she was…she was sitting next to Sigourney Weaver, and still blew everyone’s mind.

BEST PANEL
Dexter – First off, I think this is a fantastic show, so I may be bias. John Lithgow is the the new villain for next season, so I hope the show continues to impress. I’m a little afraid of Jennifer Carpenter now, but I like it.

BEST COSTUME
The fandango paper bag. I didn’t see any eyeholes, but it was crossing the street. Bravo, you took the most annoying thing about pre-movie seating and tried to get it hit by a car.

BEST OF THE REST
Bruce Campbell & Burn Notice. Never really watched the show, but Bruce was hilarious as always.

You had me until the showering.

So there I was, taking the red-eye flight, back row, kinda drunk, kinda tired, Rocket Man still stuck in my head from the airport bar, and the movie started:

THE BUCKET LIST

Starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, this flick is about two terminally ill old men that create a list of things to do before you “kick the bucket.”

It really gets you thinking…I think I’ll start my list right now.

Shago’s Bucket List:

1. Invent a way to travel back in time and instead of watching this movie, find a large blunt object and bash my head until I’m unconscious.
2. Meet Peter Weller.
3. Get Winona.

Ok, I didn’t like it, but I’ll give you a quick recap. Edward (Jack Nicholson) is a billionaire that has nothing but his money. He meets Carter (Morgan Freeman) and steals him away from his ridiculously perfect family to do the “Bucket List.”

So they travel the world. And everywhere they go, Carter knows something. Seriously, he’s spouting life advice, quoting Tibetan religious prophecies, turning down hookers, and leading Ed to a more enlightened life.

Oh yeah, did I mention he’s supposed to be a mechanic? Now, I hate to stereotype, but when was the last time you stopped in for an oil change and the staff was sitting around drinking tea and reading Nietzsche?

Come to think of it, have you noticed that Morgan Freeman always plays god-like characters?
Like that time that he played God.
And if he’s not playing God, he’s, uhhhhh…playing God.
Or he’s narrating the life of penguins.

So in the end, this is a “comedy” about two old guys that die. Sure there’s a couple great actors, but both portray characters that are intended to be so extremely different that they become completely unbelievable.

I guess it either sucks or Morgan Freeman is God. You decide. It gets one pig for that one funny part.

……..

Uhhhh……just in case. Sorry Almighty Freeman, I loved Million Dollar Baby!

………………..

Wait,

No I just can’t do it. That movie was crap, too. See you in hell mullets!

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.