Yes mullets, you are reading correctly, Shago has hitched his way to comic con again. But in a surprising twist this year, our sponsors have allowed me to use the free wi-fi available at the convention center to type up his aimless rants…

…as the disappointment of not getting a beverage at last call wears off, all I can do is continue to boo Hayden Christensen and give awards for what little I saw today.

BEST PERSON:
Without a doubt, Zoe Saldana (Uhura from Star Trek ’09). She was beautiful, insightful, and eloquent as she talked about the role of female characters in Hollywood. To give you an idea of how awesome she was…she was sitting next to Sigourney Weaver, and still blew everyone’s mind.

BEST PANEL
Dexter – First off, I think this is a fantastic show, so I may be bias. John Lithgow is the the new villain for next season, so I hope the show continues to impress. I’m a little afraid of Jennifer Carpenter now, but I like it.

BEST COSTUME
The fandango paper bag. I didn’t see any eyeholes, but it was crossing the street. Bravo, you took the most annoying thing about pre-movie seating and tried to get it hit by a car.

BEST OF THE REST
Bruce Campbell & Burn Notice. Never really watched the show, but Bruce was hilarious as always.

Hello again mullets and welcome to another addition of Shago’s Random Thoughts (or ShaRTs as I just named them). Today’s movie is Jurassic Park starring Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, and Laura Dern. As I watched this movie for the third time this month, I began wondering many things, so I decided to write them down. Enjoy:

First off, do I even like this movie? Is it Laura Dern? I mean she’s not really hot and seriously looks like a stick. And I don’t really like movies with kids in them. That one kid was in Tremors and that movie sucked. I guess the effects are pretty sweet. I did watch Land of the Lost as a child, so maybe I really like dinosaurs, weird. I can’t believe they’re remaking that.

That dude getting eaten while on the toilet is sweet; Hope I don’t go out that way.

Sam Neill looks pretty cool in that hat, I wonder if I would look that cool? Probably not, I mean when would I even wear it? He can even pull off that that scarf/bandanna thing around his neck. That’s strange because it makes that kid look pretty queer.

Wouldn’t Jeff Goldblum look better with a big patch of chest hair coming out of that shirt? And doesn’t he play the exact same character in Independence Day? I wonder if anyone remembers an old movie he was in called Transylvania 6-5000? I bet it would really piss off Ed Begley Jr if I bought like 60 copies of that movie, then didn’t recycle the plastic DVD boxes. You know who else plays the same character all the time? Oliver Platt. Flatliners, A Time to Kill, Frost/Nixon, that quirky and smart but kinda wussy guy. He should be in this movie.

If there weren’t so many commercials in college basketball, I wonder if I’d even be watching this?

If I made a joke about that girl saying Meat-A-Saurus, would anyone laugh? I bet they’d just think I was some kind of pedophile. Better not risk it.

Sam Jackson has a cigarette in his mouth the whole movie, but does he ever inhale? I hope I don’t watch this whole movie again just to find out. When they find his arm, his hand should totally have a cigarette in it.

If raptors are so smart, why couldn’t they figure out how to clone themselves? Losers.
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Well, I hoped you enjoyed this quick insight into Shago’s brain. Until next post…

This may not be the most timely of posts, but I feel obligated to inform the world… worst Die Hard… ever. How embarassing that this was allowed to be made. I mean, did you see how the (badly CGI’d) jet flew over that bridge, stopped on a dime, did a 360 and flew over the semi, almost vivisecting Bruce Willis? If not for Kevin Smith and the Credence outro this is unwatchable. Thank all that is holy that I did not spend any money sleeping through this in the theater.

Lucy grew up kinda hot, 1 pig.

My Fellow Mullets,

There comes a time in every man’s life when he sees the end. I guess, accepting his own mortality as a human being, movie fan, writer, Horowitz hater, filthy wine-loving hobo, etc. For me, the time has come…again. The other day, I saw that Universal is planning a remake of one of my favorite movies: ‘Slap Shot’ starring the late, great Paul Newman.

Peter Steinfeld (‘21‘) will write it and he says:
“Right now I’m finishing writing the re-make of the iconic hockey movie Slap Shot for Universal. I’ve never had so many people hate me for writing something they haven’t seen yet. It’s such a classic film and fans of the original feel like I’m grave-robbing or something. But I think the movie will be really fun and will capture what it’s like to play minor league hockey in 2008.”

I couldn’t have said it much better, you’re grave-robbing a classic that fans will hate you for. Hmm…my work here is done. I guess, once again, Hollywood has proved to me that it has no … original … ideas … left.

Another little part of my soul will die when this movie is released.

So I didn’t rush out to the theater to see the fourth installment of Indiana Jones because, being a sequel, I really wasn’t that excited for it. But, as I was eating my Thanksgiving turkey chili cheese fries, I decided to give it a shot and picked it up on demand.

Now, I could bore and tell you about the plot, actors, etc. but you already know it. The bad guys need Indy to find the artifact because they are dumb and then they’ll use its power to conquer the world. Sound familiar? Thought so, so all I did was write down of bunch of alternate titles for the movie. Enjoy:

Indiana Jones and…the Communists that can’t shoot straight, I mean dude, he’s like three feet away from you
Indiana Jones in…oh my god, another movie with Shia LaBeouf
Indiana Jones and…the stuntman with a gray wig on
Indiana Jones in…how to survive an atom bomb without a scratch
Indiana Jones and…of course its his kid, can you be more predictable?
Indiana Jones and…the truck with a random RPG in the back
Indiana Jones in…he always gets away from the bad guys, but don’t worry, they’ll catch him again
Indiana Jones and…the Communists that run out of ammo and then throw their guns away, I mean you came all the way to the Amazon jungle with a bunch of trucks, why didn’t you bring extra bullets?
Indiana Jones and…the random cliff with a road next to it
Indiana Jones and…the monkeys that hate Communists
Indiana Jones in…Ants Gone Wild
Indiana Jones and…the Communists that can shoot every native in the temple, but still can’t hit Indy
Indiana Jones in…Alien vs. Communist – Requiem
Indiana Jones and…the guy that stops for gold always dies
Indiana Jones and…if they make more of these movies with Shia as the new Indy, I’m gonna vomit

This movie was decent, but all it really did was take Raiders and change the scenery, 2 pigs.

The diet soda was cold. The popcorn bucket was bottomless. The salt packets and napkins were handy. The rum was generic. Not a single crying kid was to be found in the entire theater. Everthing seemed perfect you say?
Aye captain… too perfect. (queue crickets and creepy theme music)

Gillian Anderson did look delicious. Duchovny seemed a bit Californified Mulder, sporting a wicked filthy-hippy(thanks Shago) beard:

Ok, time to settle in and let the magic happen! I sat back in my comfy red velvet reclining seat, safely stowed by beverage in it’s proper and upright position and steadied myself for the newest and no doubt fascinating conspiracy theories.

Next thing I know, Amanda Peet shows up….waaaiiittt a minute! WTF?? Who invited her and what is she doing with all those clothes on?????

Ok so we’ve hit a speedbump, I can forgive this tragic casting faux pas. Every man has his faults, even Chris Carter must have a casting couch. No problemo, I get it. Let’s move on. Time for some plot!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Fast forward to the beginning of hour 2, Mullets… Mulder and Scully are making out(blech!) and Peetey The Cop is the only one yelling “Mulder!!!” as she frantically searches for the man who committed the atrocities upon humanity (uhhh of some sort, I dont’ really see where we’re going with this). Mmmm~ popcorn! Nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…hay!!

After nodding off for a quick power nap, I take a bathroom break and come back hoping for a renewed leash on life, and some kind of story development. My spirits are broken as I realize that the only climax we’re going to get is from this guy…?

Yes sir, it’s the Assistant Director himself to save the day. Lord knows Scully and Mulder are too busy kissyfaced. Yuk.

What can I say kids… I could have found you a better plot if I closed by eyes and threw a dart at my XFiles DVD collection. Easily. Drunk on whiskey and blindfolded. With both hands tied behind my back. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow too. I mean Stem Cells for christs sake? Sooo last year my friends.

Ok I’m over it now. What a frustrating couple of hours. Ugh. 2 Pigs.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

Last night was the premier of the not so long or never awaited movie Species the Awakening. How great is this? But then as I thought about it I was like, wait a minute, haven’t they made this movie, several times? Or are the Species movies really made to be fill in sequels to every movie every made?

Species the Awakening is a made for Sci Fi movie that you can’t miss. It stars Helen Mattsson, soon to be known for her adult film career, but already known for her stunning performance as the ‘Beautiful Blonde’ on the hit show Kitchen Confidential. WTF is Kitchen Confidential, who makes this shit?

Anyway back to may theory, this is the official plot from IMDB for Species the Awakening:
“A scientist, Dr Holander, takes his niece Miranda to Mexico in an attempt to reverse the effects of the alien DNA he used to create her. However the treatment goes horribly wrong, and sets Miranda on a killing spree as she sets out to find a mate”

Species III Plot:
“While being transported in a military ambulance and supposed dead, Eve delivers an offspring and is killed by a half-breed. The baby girl is abducted by Dr. Abbot, and a couple of days later she grows up, reaching adulthood and becoming a gorgeous young woman called Sara. But while Sara unsuccessfully chases a perfect mate for her to generate a perfect being, the flawed half-breeds leaded by Amelia try to reproduce with her to survive their species.”

Species II Plot:
“Mykelti Williamson and Justin Lazard are a pair of astronauts who make the first successful manned mission to Mars. Lazard’s character gets infected by an alien and slowly begins to mutate. When they get back to Earth all he has on his mind is to have sex with Henstridge! The surviving team members from the first film team up with a peaceful, genetically re-engineered Sil to track the monster down.

Species Plot:
A group of four specialists are given the task of tracking down Sil. “She” is part human, part alien, beautiful, strong, very dangerous and desperate to mate with a human.

I have no idea where I am going with this, other than the fact I made PorkMullet.com readers know the plot to every Species movie ever made.

My work here is done.

For you awesome fans, get ready for your dose of awesome, awesomeness, awesome goodness.

I must contest Main Street Doofus’ statement about the world being evil, I mean look at these guys!