The commercial says, “Sandra Bullock’s best performance.” Strange that this makes me want to see the movie less.

Yes mullets, you are reading correctly, Shago has hitched his way to comic con again. But in a surprising twist this year, our sponsors have allowed me to use the free wi-fi available at the convention center to type up his aimless rants…

…as the disappointment of not getting a beverage at last call wears off, all I can do is continue to boo Hayden Christensen and give awards for what little I saw today.

BEST PERSON:
Without a doubt, Zoe Saldana (Uhura from Star Trek ’09). She was beautiful, insightful, and eloquent as she talked about the role of female characters in Hollywood. To give you an idea of how awesome she was…she was sitting next to Sigourney Weaver, and still blew everyone’s mind.

BEST PANEL
Dexter – First off, I think this is a fantastic show, so I may be bias. John Lithgow is the the new villain for next season, so I hope the show continues to impress. I’m a little afraid of Jennifer Carpenter now, but I like it.

BEST COSTUME
The fandango paper bag. I didn’t see any eyeholes, but it was crossing the street. Bravo, you took the most annoying thing about pre-movie seating and tried to get it hit by a car.

BEST OF THE REST
Bruce Campbell & Burn Notice. Never really watched the show, but Bruce was hilarious as always.

I could swear I was watching a tribute to the Bloomin’ Onion.

I Want to Believe!! I loved the last X-files movie and I’m currently watching the entire collection of X-files TV shows on DVD (in order of course). Ok, now that it is clear what a major sci-fi nerd you’re dealing with here, I have a few comments about the upcoming flick. Check out the trailer here.

The poster with the big X is just rad, if I wasn’t trying to stop decorating my house a-la 8th grade, I would totally grab one of those.

The plotline and dialogue look to have some more depth than the previous show. I once fell asleep watching the first X-Files the Movie and I think I caught some subconsious suggestions. Found myself walking around with Tourette’s for the next week, frantically shouting, “Mulder?” “Scully?” “Mulder!!” “Scully!!”.

And if you needed any other reason to go see this one – how hot is Gillian Anderson with the long hair!?! Oh mama.

Porkmullet fans, you know where I’ll be July 25, 2008… drinking a couple bottles of wine and trying to beat GTA 4, you say?

Nope. This will be a different kind of Friday night. Fandango, your girl Anita, Gillian A, a diet coke spiked with Captain Morgan’s and a box of JuJuBees. Review to come.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

So I finally had to say something. It’s been eating at me for a long time. I HATE when they show parents of athletes sitting in the stands. What the hell is the point of this? I already have to deal with a commercial every two minutes. Then, as soon as the game is back, I get a mom or dad in stands. Give me a break.

And don’t think I’m kidding this time jerks……Uhhhh, we’ll be back after this.

At this point, I’m specifically talking about the NCAA tourney. I don’t care that Athlete X has a mother. Ooooohhh, she’s crying, yeah great. By the way, both sides have parents and they are all probably crying. Do you just pick the one that cries the most? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Here’s an idea: Instead, just show the replay of that controversial call that you forgot about during the last break.

Ok…..maybe I’m getting a little carried away. Calm down…..relax…..Shago will be back after this quick break.

Unfortunately, it happens in all sports. The first time I remember this painful trend was Bubby Brister’s mom, circa 1991. She used to flail around like she was possessed every time Bub got hit. Feel free to add a comment for your memories.

Yep, ole Ma Brister. (…porkmullet.com is proud to announce that we have partnered with Ma Brister and Atari to bring you this post.)

So, just stop it, damn it. No, don’t argue, just stop it and show the bloody game. Wait, no, I mean the game, you know, on the court, field, ice, etc.

Oh screw it.

If something doesn’t change, we’re on an express elevator to Hell, goin’ down! And I’m done, game over man.

Yeah, this post might suck, but, at least I didn’t have to lick anyone.

CP has got to get a new marketing guy before he ends up on a camel with Rod Tidwell.

I just got back from seeing Transformers. You’ve probably already seen it, so there’s not too much to say. It’s pretty entertaining despite the heavy GMC advertising and typical Michael Bay testosterone-filled characters devoid of real emotion. I guess the most impressive thing about the film is the action sequences and special effects. The robots look incredible!!! I think this clip really sums it up.

The meaning of life,

Life is known as a wholesome cereal with a delicious taste that millions of adults and children love. Last year, 39 million boxes of Life and Cinnamon Life were sold. If placed end to end, the boxes sold in one year would stretch all the way from New York to Tokyo!

Life Cereal was introduced in 1961 by the Quaker Oats Company as a cereal which “would help kids grow strong”. In the early 70′s, Life Cereal became famous for being the cereal that even Mikey, a finicky little 4 year old who “hates everything”, loved to eat. Life stayed with the Mikey campaign for years and even today people everywhere remember Mikey.

In 1978, we thought it was time to add a little spice to our Life. So we introduced Cinnamon Life and Cinnamon lovers everywhere were thrilled. Today, about one-third of all Life Cereal sold is Cinnamon flavor.
In the 1980′s Life began featuring real life kids on its package, and is still the only cereal to do so. In 1997, Life went on a nationwide search for the “Next Mikey” to represent the new generation of Life eaters. More than 35,000 kids between the ages of three and twelve entered the contest. Brianna Hughes, an energetic 5-year-old girl from Florida, was chosen as the next “Mikey.”

In 1999, Life celebrated real kids through the “Are You a Real Life Kid?” contest. Winners were chosen from over 20,000 entries based on their ability to convey their enthusiasm and love of Life.
In 2000, Life Cereal brought back the popular Mikey commercial that first made its debut in the early 70′s and became a pop culture icon. But the new commercial has a special twist…an all-new adult cast, proving Life Cereal and “Mikey” are two things people never outgrow.

The original Mikey Life Cereal commercial aired nationally from 1972 through 1984, becoming one of the longest running commercials of all time and earning itself a place in the hearts and minds of a generation.
Although the commercial has not been shown regularly on TV for over 15 years, people still remember the finicky four-year old. A recent research study revealed that 70% of adults could identify the Life Cereal ad from just the description! And, in 1999, the “Mikey” commercial ranked number 10 in TV guide’s, “The 50 Greatest Commercials of All Time.”

In 2001, Life Cereal first aired the current award winning advertising campaign “Life is Full of Surprises.” In each ad, we see kids making a surprising choice — choosing Life Cereal over more indulgent foods like candy, cookies and donuts. That’s because Life has a surprisingly delicious taste for a wholesome cereal. Life is the simple cereal that your kids will choose more often!

In 2004, Life Cereal introduces Honey Graham Life, the first addition to the brand in 25 years. This delicious flavor marries the taste of graham with golden honey into one great taste.

So Everyone, the meaning of life is to eat a good breakfast each day, I prefer Beer and Cheese Puffs, and always, whatever you do, make sure that “Mikey Likes” it .

Now, I do understand the sentimental value of these hideoulsy awful commercials, and they do usually come on while I’m watching football and around the holidays, so I’m usually in a cheerful mood. But COME ON!!! Do you know how many diamond miners had their limbs cut off so some bitch could tiptoe downstairs on Christmas Eve to sneak a peek at some gaudy nipple ring her husband got her most likely to hide the fact that he’s been dipping his wick in the company wax (assuming he works for Yankee Candle)? Or how about the one where the kids lip-synch and air-guitar their way through a cheesy Mother’s Day song? These are the same kids who are lucky they aren’t digging for the lost sankara stones in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (http://porkmullet.com/?p=10). Or the one where the little girl brings a jar full of pennies to her daddy to buy some jewelry for her mommy? Actually, I sort of like that one. Anyhoo, all of these commercials miss the point. It’s not about wholesome family good times. I think Patrice McDowell in Coming to America said it best when she said, “Ain’t nobody giving you earrings like that unless you’re giving him the boo-tay.” I may not have the exact quote, but you catch my drift. That’s right, America. It’s all about the boo-tay!