The commercial says, “Sandra Bullock’s best performance.” Strange that this makes me want to see the movie less.

Yes mullets, you are reading correctly, Shago has hitched his way to comic con again. But in a surprising twist this year, our sponsors have allowed me to use the free wi-fi available at the convention center to type up his aimless rants…

…as the disappointment of not getting a beverage at last call wears off, all I can do is continue to boo Hayden Christensen and give awards for what little I saw today.

BEST PERSON:
Without a doubt, Zoe Saldana (Uhura from Star Trek ’09). She was beautiful, insightful, and eloquent as she talked about the role of female characters in Hollywood. To give you an idea of how awesome she was…she was sitting next to Sigourney Weaver, and still blew everyone’s mind.

BEST PANEL
Dexter – First off, I think this is a fantastic show, so I may be bias. John Lithgow is the the new villain for next season, so I hope the show continues to impress. I’m a little afraid of Jennifer Carpenter now, but I like it.

BEST COSTUME
The fandango paper bag. I didn’t see any eyeholes, but it was crossing the street. Bravo, you took the most annoying thing about pre-movie seating and tried to get it hit by a car.

BEST OF THE REST
Bruce Campbell & Burn Notice. Never really watched the show, but Bruce was hilarious as always.

Yes, it’s that time again. After a long July with nothing good to watch, football is back! Shago is here to bring you his annual preview of the AFC. Without further delay: a preview of each team, the order that I believe they will finish, and a corresponding Bill Murray film:

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots – In the last five years, only one team (’06 Seattle) has made the playoffs after a losing the previous Super Bowl. The cursed Pats won’t be perfect this year, but should win the division again.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters – If there’s something strange…spying on your coach…who you gonna call?

2. Buffalo Bills (WILD CARD) – Coming off a 7-9 season that included a couple close losses, the Bills should be expecting some good things this year, right? Oh Buffalo, we can’t trust you to win anything. But, with a schedule that includes Miami twice and the NFC West, I’ll give you a playoff spot. Ok, you owe me now, so change the Buffalo Slugs back to the Buffalo Sabres, please!
MOVIE: Where the Buffalo Roam – I’ve never seen it, but it has Buffalo in the title.

3. New York Jets – Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Brett Favre…Madden Curse. Wow that was insightful, eh? I could work for ESPN.
MOVIE: Groundhog Day – I keep waking up and Sportscenter is always the same.

4. Miami Dolphins – There’s only one way to forget about last year’s one win season, that’s 0-16. The acquisition of QB Chad Pennington might be worth a win or two, but think of it this way, long time Dolphins Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, and Chris Chambers have a good shot at the playoffs.
MOVIE: Ed Wood – He was the worst director in history, could this team be the worst ever too?

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Strong on both sides of the ball, I expect the Steelers to win their second straight division title. Well…that was boring, let’s go to the videotape!
MOVIE: Lost in Translation – The Steelers are lost behind the Pats, Colts, Chargers, and Jags in the AFC.

2. Cleveland Browns – A nice 10 win season last year for the Browns, but let’s remember that they played a last place schedule. Last year’s games against the Jets, Dolphins, and 49ers are replaced this year with ones against the Colts, Jaguars, and Cowboys. Eight wins would be a nice year for Cleveland and maybe keep them in the playoff hunt later into the season.
MOVIE: Ghostbusters II – In typical sequel fashion, this season won’t be as good as the last.

3. Baltimore Ravens – John Harbaugh takes over as head coach of the Ravens…uhhhh who? Do you think they meant to hire Jim Harbaugh? I feel you Ravens, you woke up after the 2007 season with a bad hangover and said, “what did we do?”
MOVIE: Quick Change – How quickly you changed into a bad team. Remember 13 wins in ’06?

4. Cincinnati Bengals – So you released repeat offender Chris Henry only to re-sign him again? I’m sure this time it’ll work (wink, wink…nudge, nudge…giggle). At least now the cops will make their “Bengals arrested in ’08” quota. My prediction: coach Marvin Lewis is fired after starting the season 0-9.
MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums – The Bengals are definitely an eccentric family.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars – This division should be fabulous. I’m giving the Jags the edge this year, in a very tight race. David Garrard’s QB rating of 102 last year was higher than Manning, Romo, and Favre. An efficient passing game paired with Fragile Fred Taylor and MJD “the human bowling ball“, this could be the Jags’ year.
MOVIE: What About Bob? – The Jags will keep winning until you have to notice them.

2. Indianapolis Colts – (WILD CARD) – Peyton and crew will again be one of the top teams in the AFC, just missing out on a seventh straight division title.
MOVIE: The Darjeeling Limited – I’m so sick of the Manning brothers, I’d love to put them on a train to India.

3. Tennessee Titans – Coming off a playoff appearance last year, I could see the Titans making another. A stifling defense and QB that just plain knows how to win, the Titans just miss this year.
MOVIE: Meatballs – RB LenDale White loves them!

4. Houston Texans – Maybe in another division, another time, etc. But another 8 wins would keep things interesting.
MOVIE: Kingpin – Can the underdog Texans compete with the flash of the other top AFC teams?

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers – A couple playoff wins last year and the Chargers are once again thinking Super Bowl. If this team can stay healthy, I think they’re the class of the AFC.
MOVIE: Scrooged – They seem to be learning from numerous playoff ghosts.

2. Oakland Raiders – Yes, that’s right the Raiders. They don’t have a shot at winning this division, but with a low end schedule and some young talent, you could win seven games. That might be enough to place second in the West. So Raider Fan, postpone that porn shoot, delay the gas station robbery, and make sure the jail cell has Direct TV because this season might be worth watching.
MOVIE: Charlie’s Angels – Beware though Raiders. As this movie proved, even surrounded by lots of sexy players, you can still suck.

3. Denver Broncos – Putting the Raiders in second in this division should tell you what I think of this year’s Donkeys. Last year’s seven wins included four by three points or less. So bringing in a kicker that’s 1 of 4 in his career might not be the best way to go.
MOVIE: Stripes – “C’mon, it’s Denver. We zip in, we pick ‘em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow.”

4. Kansas City Chiefs – On December 21st, you play the Miami Dolphins (who you also play in preseason…odd) in what could be the battle for last place in the AFC. If either team has a chance to finish the season winless, don’t disappoint me.
MOVIE: Caddyshack – find someplace warm to play golf in January.

SUPER BOWL PREDICTION:

So last year, the media overloaded us with the New York vs. Boston Super Bowl. This year, us fans that hate both cities get revenge. In the least watched Super Bowl in recent memory, the Seattle Seahawks defeat the Jacksonville Jaguars 20 – 17, sending Coach Wilford Brimley into retirement a winner.

I could swear I was watching a tribute to the Bloomin’ Onion.

You had me until the showering.

As my handsome colleague G.I. Jab has reminded us, the Olympics have begun. It’s 2:25am and I have ten (officially “X“, I guess) HD channels devoted to the Olympics. This is strange because there are only four different things on right now. I guess I could picture-in-picture the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match and the Croatia vs. Spain team handball match, just to see if it ended differently.

Oh well…as I endure another sleepless night, deciding between watching Zoolander or committing suicide, I decide to surf the web looking for information on my new favorite Olympic sport. And here’s what I found:

Handball: “Grab It!”

FUCK YEAH!!!

I Want to Believe!! I loved the last X-files movie and I’m currently watching the entire collection of X-files TV shows on DVD (in order of course). Ok, now that it is clear what a major sci-fi nerd you’re dealing with here, I have a few comments about the upcoming flick. Check out the trailer here.

The poster with the big X is just rad, if I wasn’t trying to stop decorating my house a-la 8th grade, I would totally grab one of those.

The plotline and dialogue look to have some more depth than the previous show. I once fell asleep watching the first X-Files the Movie and I think I caught some subconsious suggestions. Found myself walking around with Tourette’s for the next week, frantically shouting, “Mulder?” “Scully?” “Mulder!!” “Scully!!”.

And if you needed any other reason to go see this one – how hot is Gillian Anderson with the long hair!?! Oh mama.

Porkmullet fans, you know where I’ll be July 25, 2008… drinking a couple bottles of wine and trying to beat GTA 4, you say?

Nope. This will be a different kind of Friday night. Fandango, your girl Anita, Gillian A, a diet coke spiked with Captain Morgan’s and a box of JuJuBees. Review to come.

Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.

SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.

GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!

SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!

GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!

SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.

GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.

SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.

GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?

SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:

IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT

Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!

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JABS: You never paid for drugs.

So I finally had to say something. It’s been eating at me for a long time. I HATE when they show parents of athletes sitting in the stands. What the hell is the point of this? I already have to deal with a commercial every two minutes. Then, as soon as the game is back, I get a mom or dad in stands. Give me a break.

And don’t think I’m kidding this time jerks……Uhhhh, we’ll be back after this.

At this point, I’m specifically talking about the NCAA tourney. I don’t care that Athlete X has a mother. Ooooohhh, she’s crying, yeah great. By the way, both sides have parents and they are all probably crying. Do you just pick the one that cries the most? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Here’s an idea: Instead, just show the replay of that controversial call that you forgot about during the last break.

Ok…..maybe I’m getting a little carried away. Calm down…..relax…..Shago will be back after this quick break.

Unfortunately, it happens in all sports. The first time I remember this painful trend was Bubby Brister’s mom, circa 1991. She used to flail around like she was possessed every time Bub got hit. Feel free to add a comment for your memories.

Yep, ole Ma Brister. (…porkmullet.com is proud to announce that we have partnered with Ma Brister and Atari to bring you this post.)

So, just stop it, damn it. No, don’t argue, just stop it and show the bloody game. Wait, no, I mean the game, you know, on the court, field, ice, etc.

Oh screw it.

If something doesn’t change, we’re on an express elevator to Hell, goin’ down! And I’m done, game over man.

Yeah, this post might suck, but, at least I didn’t have to lick anyone.