Name: Pierce Cannon

Birth Date: 09-09-1979

Born In: Victoria, B.C.

Occupation: French-Canadian Interpreter/Porn Subtitle Writer

Profile: Born out of the highlands of British Columbia, here comes a man full of steam and bullshit! Let him lead you into victory not by himself but with his huge weapon!!! Blllaaaaah!

Favorite Quote: “Lead us all into victory in the name of Jesus Christ!
Blllaaaaah!”

Pseudonym: Nugent, Ted Nugent

Favorite Train Wreck: The Replacements

Last Movie He Watched: Stripes

Current Girlfriend: Elizabeth Shue

Best Friend: Dick Dreyfuss from Nuts

Hobbies: Talking to Barry Melrose

Expected Lifespan: “Come on you apes! You wanna live forever?!”

Favorite food: Mealworms and Pork

Favorite Drink: 6 Shots of Wild Turkey

Favorite Website: http://www.porkmullet.com

Favorite Sports Team: The Hartford Whalers

Favorite TV Show: History’s Mysteries

Favorite Song: “Penis, Penis, Penis. Penis All Night Long. Penis, Penis, Penis. Penis In A Thong. One For The Penis! Two For The Penis! Three For The Penis!
Blllaaaahh!”

Name: Pierre Shampoo

Birth Date: 09-02-1976

Born In: The Tibetan Plateau

Occupation: Sausage King of Chicago, part-time Hockey Referee

Profile: A bilingual yellow mouse fluent in French and Chinese, he learned some English by watching Jerry Lewis movies and Jhoon Rhee karate commercials.

Favorite Quote: “Nobody bothers me… Nobody bothers me either! Au shante mon freir. No bonjour for you!”

Pseudonym: Abe Froman

Favorite Train Wreck: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Last Movie He Watched: Porky’s

Current Girlfriend: Sloan

Best Friend: Cameron

Hobbies: Marrying chicks for green cards, going down the yellow river, trying to grow a mullet, drinking from the bidet.

Expected Lifespan: Who wants to live forever?

Favorite food: Moo Shu Pork

Favorite Drink: Box of wine (any flavor)

Favorite Website: http://www.porkmullet.com

Favorite Sports Team: The Frankfurt Galaxy

Favorite TV Show: Mork And Mindy

Favorite Song: “O Canada”

Name: Anita Mandalay

Birth Date: 02-29-1978

Born In: The Serengeti National Park, Tanzania

Occupation: Escort, Soccer Mom

Profile: A product of gene-splicing activity, Anita was born at a very early age.

Favorite Quote: “You forgot to hook up the doll.”

Pseudonym: Crash Bandacoochie

Favorite Train Wreck: Derek Jeter

Last Movie She Watched: Resident Evil, but she did not enjoy it.

Current Boyfriend: Dick Sparks

Best Friend: Jack Butters

Hobbies: Finding new and better ways to do It.

Expected Lifespan: 100, in Pig years.

Favorite food: Pork Rinds

Favorite Drink: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Favorite Website: http://www.porkmullet.com

Favorite Sports Team: The Las Vegas Outlaws

Favorite TV Show: Double Trouble

Favorite Song: “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys”

Name: Jack Butters

Birth Date: 02-02-02

Born In: Czechoslovakia, Wisconsin

Occupation: Babe’s Butt Double

Profile: Born into a family of butt doubles, he had the weiner but not the butt. But, he will no longer be the butt of their jokes! For he just got J.Lo ass implants!! They’re on sale for $1.99 plus butt tax.

Favorite Quote: “Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?…so much for the monastery.”

Pseudonym: Mia Hamm

Favorite Train Wreck: Over The Top

Last Movie He Watched: That Pay Per View $10.95 Porn Flick That Sucked, Starring The Albino Version of “The Rock”

Current Girlfriend: Lambchop

Best Friend: Pierre Shampoo

Hobbies: Eating Creamies, Debit (no, that’s da butt), ice fishing… oh, and I also like tennis and nerf-herding.

Expected Lifespan: “Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead.”

Favorite food: Beggin Strips (“Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!”)

Favorite Drink: Pickled Hog Ball Brine

Favorite Website: http://www.porkmullet.com

Favorite Sports Team: The Brisbane Jackalopes

Favorite TV Show: Laverne And Shirley

Favorite Song: “Magic Night” by The Village People

You know it’s a classic when a chick asks another chick: ‘Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?’ It just doesn’t get any better on the dark comedy circuit unless Kevin Bacon was in it to link himself to an actual good movie.

We hear Russell Crowe will be playing him in the remake. Carrot Top is the American version of Yahoo Serious. Save an hour-and-a-half or two. Call 1-800-YOU-SUCK.

Anyone who saw this movie wrongfully assumed that is was going to be funny like the Naked Gun. Leslie Nielson was better playing Mona’s fiance in Who’s The Boss. Incidentally, Mona provides good competition with Kim Catrell for an older sexy lady. Ohhh, Mona.. can anyone tame you?

Would actually have been BETTER with Jar Jar Binks. Better title would have been “Who Wouldn’t Fuck Jessica Rabbit”.

Cheesy flick that illustrates how little men know about women. Once you capture the power, you can have any woman you want. Sex gets better and self morals go out the window. Well it’s not for the locker rooms. The hot chick from Mad About You is not necessarily everyone’s dream women. Mel Gibson, waxed and wearing a bra and panties was a sexy moment. And he drinks red wine out of the bottle in the bathroom. You can’t deny that. Crashing out drunk on the floor in that awesome apartment. That’s the lifestyle.

Baby steps… to the box office. Demand your money back.