Can somebody please explain to me what the big deal is about this guy? Perhaps these are the crazy ramblings of a biased Redskins fan, but SERIOUSLY!!! This guy already has people calling him a legend when he hasn’t even played a full season or won a playoff game. As far as I’m concerned, he’s not yet qualified to hold a crying, concussed Danny White’s jock (thanks, Dexter Manley). Hell, he’s not even as good as Gary Hogeboom (pre- and post-Survivor) at this point. So why is everyone getting a Staubach-ian or Aikman-ish chubby over this guy before he has done anything significant? BTW, good luck with Wade Phillips as your head coach.

If Romo is the real deal, I’ll stand corrected. But in the meantime, can we all pay a little respect to Peyton Manning. I mean, that guy is good! Hasn’t anybody noticed?

Back in the 80s, when I was busy smoking crack with D.C. Mayor Marion Barry in hotel rooms with prostitutes, I missed out on a dance craze that never was: The Truffle Shuffle. Introduced by Chunk, one of The Goonies … the fat one … this dance where you make your stomach muscles undulate furiously to the rhythm as it gets you proved to be too challenging for most street performers. If performed accurately against the best beat street dancers, it would provoke them to set fire to their cardboard boxes in shame on their way to their AA meetings. But apparently, the dance wasn’t cool enough for the mainstream and never fully took off. Until now. So while you’re busy being lame doing The Electric Slide, I’ll be setting fire to my 8 minutes abs workout tapes and doing The Truffle Shuffle.

Remember back in 1975, when famed director Steven Spielberg (The Terminal) changed Summer movies forever when he released his blockbuster Jaws, about a misunderstood Shark who just wants to party but accidentally ends up eating a bunch of vacationers, and thus scaring the bejesus out of families everywhere? Remember that Summer when nobody felt safe going in the water, yet it was really really hot outside, and we had to take cold baths, play Yahtzee, and actually talk to each other to beat the heat? Yeah, that Summer sucked! Thanks a lot, asshole!

On the other hand, Jaws 2 (Jeannot Swarcz, Director) = Masterpiece … especially when that chick was screaming.

One is cold, hard, heartless, and harmful to touch.

The other is Satan.

So I consider myself a professional drinker, you know, God’s own drunk and a fearless man. I’ve drank on several different continents and in Mexico. But, then I met the punch. Anita claims it consists of “three different colors of rum and fruit, so it’s good for you.” Even though it tasted like gasoline and glowed like anti-freeze I was in. I drank it with ice. I drank it without ice. I drank it in a car. I didn’t make it to the bar. I ended up crashed out on my couch unable to move. Thank baby jesus, that there were no fat girls to take advantage of me and no tribe of mini sloths to kidnap me. Anyhoo, I have learned a new life lesson that I rank #9…

#6 Don’t trust whitey
#7 See a doctor and get rid of it
#8 Don’t shoot the potion
#9 Don’t drink Anita’s punch
#10 Don’t party with Jimmy Johnson

I don’t think anybody could compete with or resist this. Well done, Coach!

A Rabbi, a Priest and moderately sexy blonde walk into a plot…

The Rabbi says, “Hey if I don’t get married, then I can’t be the head Rabbi-in-charge.”

The Priest says “Guess who just called, it’s our bestest friend from 8th grade who’s now a fancy businesswoman and just happens to be in town for a few days.”

The Rabbi says, “I remember Anna! She was the coolest chick in school! If only she was a Minister, this would be the best movie ever!”

The Priest says “You betcha.”

Yadda, yadda, yadda. The Priest falls in love with the girl… the RABBI falls in love with the girl (uh oh!) Drama ensues. Ed Norton hits a new low. I found myself wishing I was watching Fight Club instead of Dharma whoring it up with men of the cloth. Just when you think it can’t get more harebrained, there’s Ben Stiller trying to play basketball! I don’t mean to point out the obvious, I’m just sayin, no amount of time at Globo Gym can make you taller, bro.

Solid 2 Pigs for this Train Wreck.

Most people over their lifetime have seen the movie that turns the love of chocolate into a psychosis. The movie of course is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. In case you missed it due to a long term coma the basics are as follow.

• Super chocolate giant who is a recluse kicks out 5 golden tickets and hides them in candy. Yes I know exactly what parents try to watch out for.
• Ridiculously poor kid happens to find the last golden ticket after 4 other children that come from the scum at the bottom of the gene pool.
• Tour of the factory ensues where kids drop like flies followed by a morality song for each by those lovable cousins of the smurfs (the oompaloompas).
• Charlie wins as expected because he is the only one of the children who is not on track to be a circus freak

Now in watching this movie again for the first time in a while I noticed something terribly wrong. During the frantic search for the tickets Charlie’s family encourages him to dream big and hope for the ticket. All of the family gets him chocolate EXCEPT his MOTHER. Seriously, his mom? Aren’t they required by law to lie to us? So she keeps saying don’t get his hopes up over and over. Then in a grand display of love she affectionately tells him that after the contest is over he will just like the other millions of kids who failed to find the ticket. Go Mom!!!! He then leaves predictably dejected and she sings a loving song telling him to cheer up. Huzah for mixed signals. So Charlie whats our motto? Aim Low! Thats right !!!

Bear

Fox

Ok, this had to be done. The disco version is the best, this one has some great moments in it.

Especially, check out these highlights:

00:57 Nick Ferguson wants to hold hands with Vincent Jackson, how precious.

00:15 Shawne Merriman tells Eli Manning to pray to his god with some “Son, the next time you open your mouth it better be some Mark Twain bullshit cause it’s gonna be etched on your tombstone.”

00:10 Mmmmm. Raider sandwich. (Drool)

00:08 Igor Olshansky. That’s right, I just wanted to say Igor.

Bolt Pride, bitches.