Take that for all you 80′s kids that are super happy about the Transformer Movie, for us 90′s lovers we get a treat too, The Spice Girls are back. As I sit here and remember back to when I first saw the sexual sirens that were The Spice Girls, I wonder, what have they been up to for the past oh say 10 years. So I thought I would ask around and see what other people thought, true PorkMullet.com reporting.
(note – some of the names have been changed to protect those on probation)

Question, What do you think the spice girls have been up to on their 10 years off, from making awesome music?

“mofo – “Instead of Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Sporty… they can be
Scarry, Has Been, Jiggly, Plump, and Saggy – so when do they rebrand their group as The Spice MILFs?

Reporter’s Thoughts: WTF mofo? You know the Spice Girl’s names, damn dude it is time you took down that Spice Girl poster from the back of your closet door and come out. Geez.

Office Gnome -”boning rich guys, and one had a music career.”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Christ, again, why the hell do you know that one of them had a music career, you probably downloaded her album from itunes, better yet you probably downloaded it illegally and the .01274 cents you stole made her kids starve, bet that makes you feel pretty good.

The Count – “hmmm… making babies?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Lucky for us you aren’t making babies.

Dirk Diggler – “Blowing transients for drug money?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Now that is a creative response, but something tells me there is a personal experience factor here.

Cubical Jockey #3 – “serving me in bed”

Reporter’s Thoughts: The only thing that has seen your bed are your Babylon 5 action figures

Sad Office Girl – “i have a CD of theirs!!!!!! – i LOVE it”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Wow, so your the one – my advice…..I don’t have any just enjoy yourself..freak

Seymour Butz – “not sure? getting fat?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: As one of my fellow PorkMullet writers, I would have thought you would have something better than that, we need to screen these Jokers better.

Happy Pants – “I think they spent all of their cash (other than Beckham’s wife) and they are trying to milk the past for all it’s worth.”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Jealous huh?

Fashion Bug – “they’re probably making some cool new shoes, can you believe I used to have a pair?”

Reporter’s Thoughts: I bet you get all the guys with those kicks. Remember Kangaroo’s or Roo’s for the cool kids?

Angry Child – “nothing, doing drugs and being bulimic”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Bulimic girls are hot.

Too White To Be Fly Guy -”taking it on the chin”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Is that video on YouTube?

Anita Mandalay – “YES!”

Reporter’s Thoughts: Thanks Anita, that leaves it wide open

So there you have it, some true voice of the people stuff. And this reporter is confident that the decision these brave pioneers of pop music, to beat the odds and come back is going to be embraced by a loving American (Spice Girl Starved) Public.

Damn, but who would you rather do?

Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Sporty

Sad news for all of you NFL Europe fans, the NFL has decided to fold the league effective immediately. The announcement comes after the Hamburg Sea Devils beat the Frankfurt Galaxy 37-28 in the World Bowl title game last week. A game in which ex-Wyoming quarterback Casey Bramlet won the most valuable player. I personally am pretty happy about the whole thing for a couple reasons:

#1 – I believe we should destroy any league that would let a Bramlet succeed. I’m sure you learned alot from your time in Europe, Casey. How do you say, “do you want fries with that” in German?

#2 – The league is reportedly losing $30 million a season. The NFL could use that money for more important items…like, maybe helping retired NFL players or bailing out the rest of the Cincinnati Bengals. (BTW: the NFL made $17 million in the time it took me to write this sentence)

#3 – The uniforms, ugh. Purple & orange? What kind of self respecting team would have orange in their uniforms?

D – Aren’t you getting sick of all those Europeans coming to America to play in the NFL? I mean I can’t even pronounce their names. Is it Jake Del-home or Jake De-lome? I couldn’t tell you.

Good riddance NFL Europe, you can keep the uniforms & the Bramlets.

We here at PorkMullet.com can’t wait for football season. To help us deal with the anticipation, we were lucky enough to get a jump on the competition and get a preview of the upcoming latest installment of the annual holy grail of football video games: Madden ’08 (EA Sports, available August 14, 2007). And after getting a thorough test spin through all of the new features, I only have two gripes:

1. I tried to simulate a season, but the process kept getting interrupted when half of my team came down with a case of knee bursitis. Rather than rapidly simulating through the weeks, I had to constantly revamp my roster to stay within the player allocation requirements. By the end of the season, about three quarters of my team was made up of free agents that I signed. It was like The Replacements without the stripper cheerleaders. Good thing I was able to unlock former NFL QB Scott Mitchell using the Madden Cards feature. With him, I was able to pull out that fourth win in Week 17. I say, get rid of required player allocations. Instead of requiring three quarterbacks and four wide receivers, why can’t I have eight quarterbacks? If I want to put Rodney Peete at defensive tackle, I should be allowed to do that. What’s the point of being an owner/coach and not having total control? Jerry Jones is probably rolling in his grave.

2. In addition to the awesome Create-A-Player Hall of Fame mode, where you can create your own player and guide his career to try and someday make it to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, the game now has a Superstar feature where you can create a player and try to win a coveted spot on the cover of the Madden game itself (an achievement that most modern players probably think is more important). I was able to achieve this feat twice, but both times, in the first preseason game of the following season, I suffered a career-ending case of knee bursitis. I guess the Madden Curse is real.

Otherwise, a great game!

Boy what a piece-o-shit (we’re all adults here). Some random guy at the local Blockbuster recommended this to me and I thought maybe, just maybe it may be funny due to the Vince Vaughn factor. No. No. and Noooooo.

It’s wasn’t worth the plastic is was pressed on. I kept asking myself Why????? For example…

? Why were they together in the first place? All we get is cheesy montage at the beginning to pseudo explain the “courtship”. It seems they both like bowling, what could possibly go wrong?

? Why doesn’t VV have a job in this whole thing? He gets to play Madden all day and bang Jennifer Aniston? Sign me up. What are the qualifications for this part?

? Where is Courtney Cox?

Ok so I suffered through the whole thing. I think I will get into heaven now. Just when I was reminding myself… down, not across, Vince had a stellar finish. To paraphrase…

“There is a bar downstairs. Please enjoy yourselves. I know it’s early in the morning, but it’s summer in Chicago, who are we kidding. Go get hopped up, make some bad decisions. ”

That pretty much sums it up kids.

When Oceans 11 came out it was a hit. I mean crime never looked so cool. There were alter boys quitting religion to become thieves and why wouldn’t they. These guys start off the movie being smooth and refined only to get more and more over the course of the movie. In the end they get $13 mill by stealing from some jerk bastard casino operator. George Clooney even gets Julia Roberts back, which I am not sure what the upside for him is. At the end of the movie the whole plot is revealed in a 6th sense kind of way where you realize what was there and you missed.

Then enter Oceans 12. This movie HAD to have been a result of too much vodkha, red bull, and CRACK. It caused all of the defected alter boys to go back to the church. Basically, the same band of people were completely bumbling and always one step behind. At the end of the movie comes the big reveal. What is this revelation you might ask? That there was a much more interesting plot going on while you were watching this suck movie.

Then the gods smiled upon Hollywood and said you will go back to the land of the original and give the fans something that is not a steaming pile of cow crap. Oceans 13 did wonderfully in returning to what made the series popular; smart, cool crooks that make you want to start a life of crime. Their plans are devious and witty and they are on top of the ball the whole time. And thus the alter boys once again defected to live a life of the underworld.

Hostel 2 can be summed up in 1 word: Boring!

I saw Hostel 1. It freaked me out. I loved that.

I went to the theater tonight expecting to be grossed out. I didn’t once have to jump in to the lap of the person sitting next to me. They spent so much time setting up how they trick the kids in to staying at the hostel and then kidnapping them to take them to a secluded factory where wanna-be killer who have won an auction on ebay for the right to kill them in whichever way they want…

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, just like the movie I went on and on about shit that nobody cares about.

How about this, I’ll leave you exactly like the movie left me. In the next paragraph, I’m going to give you everything you want to know about the movie and all the violence you can handle…

Just kidding.

This is a category that is long over due here at PorkMullet. And to start if off, well you decide.

Oh yeah, you can’t keep Buffy down.

Kristy Swanson Arrested in Altercation

Kristy Swanson pressed assault charges on Sunday against the ex-wife of her companion and former skating partner, Lloyd Eisler, the actress’ representative said.

Police took pictures of bruises on her back and other parts of her body to document the injuries that Swanson claimed she got during a scuffle with Eisler’s ex-wife, Marcia O’Brien, on Friday in Canada, according to Swanson spokesman Michael Sands.

Has there ever been a worse case of false advertising? I guess “Some Kind of Shitty” wouldn’t have made it past the MPAA censors (and probably wouldn’t sell too many tickets either). This is the kind of movie that forces us to make websites like this. Yet while it is so incredibly awful, I can’t bring myself to ever turn it off every stinking time it’s on (which is about every 4 hours or so).

Back in 1987, after writer John Hughes had blown his wad with a plethora of classic teenage angst films (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Weird Science), he delivered a script that sucks more ass than a Tijuana donkey show and manages to hit every teenage angst cliche along the way.

Unpopular loner art-student Keith (the always awesome Eric Stoltz) has a crush on Caroline in the City … er Amanda Jones (Lea “When I try not to smile, I smile more” Thompson … we’ll get to her in a minute), and his best friend, tomboy drummer Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson, not quite as hot as Duckie in Pretty in Pink) secretly has a crush on him. [Editor's note: When this movie is inevitably remade--perhaps with an African American cast (see Three Men and a Baby vs. My Baby's Mama)--they will most likely cast Watts as a male and Will-and-Grace it up, but I digress.] So Keith decides to spend all of his hard-earned college money for one hot date with Amanda all while trying to avoid getting his ass kicked by head preppy and Amanda’s ex-boyfriend Hardy (Craig Sheffer, not nearly living up to James Spader in Pretty in Pink) and his cronies. Meanwhile, Keith’s dad (Taggart from Beverly Hills Cop) has big college plans for Keith and gets really pissed when he finds out that the money is gone. You know the rest: Everybody has trouble reconciling the fact that they come from different classes; boy practices kissing with tomboy best friend; boy hires tomboy to drive him and girl around; the date happens; boy finally impresses girl; girl tries to prove that she isn’t pompous and shallow; boy shows his stalker-ish side by showing painting he did of girl; boy gives girl shiny earrings; boy kisses girl; they show up at head preppy’s party; punk rocker comes to the rescue; boy realizes he’s actually gay. AWESOME!!!

Which brings us to Ms. Thompson. Yes, she’s attractive. But I mean, she was like a 26 year old high school student when this came out and hardly the hottest chick in school. I mean, she’s hot, but not as hot as when she was in All the Right Moves and Jaws 3-D. Hotter than Caroline in the City but not as hot as Howard the Duck. Hotter than the 47-year-old Lorraine McFly but not nearly as hot as 17-year-old Lorraine. Hotter than that episode of Law and Order, but not nearly as hot as Spacecamp. About the same as Red Dawn. 1 pig because of the Red Dawn reference.

Have you ever bought in to advertising for a product so much that you are super excited to take it home and rip off the packaging? Well, that’s how I was about the movie Knocked Up. The trailer for this movie looked hilarious. I love the cast. I loved that the movie company released some deleted scenes to YouTube prior to the release of the movie. I’m in, I’m sold, where can I buy the action figures???

Oh wait, then I went and actually saw this steaming pile over the weekend.

The thing is, you and I have seen this movie before. An ass-load of times. Let me remind you of the plot:

- Chick is getting a promotion at her job.
- Chick goes out to celebrate.
- Chick hooks up with loser guy with no job.
- They screw.
- Chick gets pregnant.
- They decide to try to become a happy family.
- Chick goes mental about 4 months in.
- Chick kicks guy out of the picture.
- Dude becomes Mr. Perfect.
- Dude walks in right before the birth.
- They get back together as the baby is half way out of chick’s cooch.
- Everybody is so happy you just about kill yourself.

So, what’s different about this movie, you might ask. It’s the amount of times they say Fuck. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing more. Have a nice FUCKING day.

I’m sorry, but I was expecting more. Yes, there are some funny scenes. Yes, I laughed a few times. But, considering I thought the coolest part was that B.J. Novak had a cameo where he hits on the pregnant chick while the dude is standing right there… Yeah, I’m gonna have to say this one sucked.