For you awesome fans, get ready for your dose of awesome, awesomeness, awesome goodness.

As you can tell by the title, this is a nice lighthearted Sunday afternoon movie. And what better soundtrack to pair it with than…. you guessed it… Insane Clown Posse! Break out the tea and crumpets, invite the in-laws over and settle in for a sight and sound extravaganza, I say. Boy were we excited when we found this gem at Blockbuster, gently tucked away between Deadly Dreams and Dentist 2(Brace Yourself). Wicked rapping clowns AND demons, Y-E-S, yes!

The plot is very realistic, as you may have guessed. We start off with a hot-bodied lady archaeologist in the middle of nowhere with her father. First they are attacked by a random machine-gun toting middle-eastern extremist (who speaks perfect English), and the doctor lady gets her tank top ripped off in the scuffle. Cue the hero to save the day… you know the type… he looks like a cross between porn star and cage fighter? That’s the one. Said stud rips his own shirt off, reads a cheesy line off his cue card and kicks some ass. The only shocker here is that guy can kinda read.

Little do they know however, it’s only the beginning of their troubles. I mean, it’s really gonna be one of those days for our team. The kind of day where you accidentally stumble upon the portal to Hell at the bunker of Hades and have to battle Satan for the sake of all man and woman-kind, stop Armageddon and still make time for that steamy shower with a demon that travels through the water pipes.

This movie has 2 of the worst scenes ever seen, hands down. One being where the token army guy fights with a puppet for a good 10 minutes straight while green goo spurts every which way. I think at some point it just started repeating the same clips over and over… the guy is covered in goo… then no goo.. then goo again.. more goo…. I would rather watch a 24-hour marathon of You Can’t Do That On Television reruns while being lit on fire than watch that again. The second worst scene of all time is the ending. Apparently they ran out of budget really quick because midway in we go from a decent home-video quality to South Park-esque cartoon drawings. I hate to spoil the ending for everyone, but you probably already stopped reading anyway and are speeding to the local movie shop to rent…no buy, this DVD. Well, it turns out that the Devil is a dog. Our hero goes into the portal of Hell, and when he cuts the doggie’s head off, it looks sort of like 2 crayoned triangles of construction paper being sliced apart by kindergarten scissors. I’m sure I made better art (if you can call it that) when I was 5.

So what is the upside to this flick? Well, the aforementioned shower scene involves nice boobs. You will get to hear some of the raunchiest rap lyrics of all time. You will laugh some, but mostly just sit in front of the screen with your mouth hanging open in sheer disbelief. Did I mention boobs?

0 Pigs.

CP has got to get a new marketing guy before he ends up on a camel with Rod Tidwell.

I just got back from seeing Transformers. You’ve probably already seen it, so there’s not too much to say. It’s pretty entertaining despite the heavy GMC advertising and typical Michael Bay testosterone-filled characters devoid of real emotion. I guess the most impressive thing about the film is the action sequences and special effects. The robots look incredible!!! I think this clip really sums it up.

Its indendepence day for all you lazy Americans, so I thought I’d get into the spirit by watching a classic American movie: Red Dawn starring Patrick Swayze, Powers Boothe, and that dude from Terminal Velocity. Apparently a coalition of Soviet & Cuban forces invade Colorado and start World War III. The first thing I thought while watching this movie was: Is there any scene in this movie that doesn’t suck?

The scene with the Soviet army burning books…suck.

The scene where the kids’ dad is yelling, “Avenge me! Avenge me!” Dude, suck x 12. Stop whining and clean the blood off your face.

The scene that just shows trees and snow and “December” at the bottom of the screen…yep, that sucks too. Who picked that font?

The scene where Patrick Swayze & Jennifer Grey dance dirty together…uuhhh, sorry….nevermind…..I’ve never seen that movie.

As I delved more into the movie, I thought back to all my military training. You see I learned alot about war tatics from my time on a Soviet sub with Sean Connery. Like, why did they invade Colorado? Wouldn’t they want to capture a port somewhere near Russia or heck, maybe Cuba? Do they want to eliminate John Elway’s teeth before the President? Am I drunk on Russian or Polish vodka? What is Nougat? Wait a minute, do the commie’s know where I am? Oh god…they found me…I don’t know how, but they found me. RUN FOR IT, SHAGO!!!!!!!!~!

To say the least, I was disappointed. I’ll finish this later, Steel Dawn is coming on. I’m sure its more realistic.

Oh yeah, who would you rather do? The Cuban Captain:

Or Warren Moon:

Think about it…It’s almost scary how identical their ears are.