Ivan Shago Productions is very happy to announce his first annual NFL preview. Using my best Miss Teen USA brain, we start with the AFC. I have compared each team to a Steve Martin movie and ranked them in the order they will finish:

AFC EAST

New England Patriots – My Blue Heaven: Vinnie, an ex-mobster, enters the witness protection program and starts a crime wave to combat his boredom in the suburbs. Randy Moss enters the team-first approach of the Patriots…how soon until that gets boring? We know you love yourself more than Julia Roberts does. Meeeeeeee!

New York Jets – Father of the Bride: A story of some chick that’s getting married. Coach Eric Mangini, the daughter of Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick, will have a hard time getting the Jets back into the playoffs this year.

Buffalo Bills – Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid: Film noir parody with a detective uncovering a sinister plot. Nope, dead men don’t wear plaid, looks like they wear white and red.

Miami Dolphins – LA Story: A weatherman talks to a freeway billboard sign……Hmmm…..if we replace “weatherman” with “Ricky Williams” and “talks to” with “dances with” I bet we could sell it to Fox as their newest reality show.

AFC NORTH

Cincinnati Bengals – Dirty Rotten Scoundrels: Con-men con people. The Bengals? Mostly ex-cons.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Mixed Nuts: A crisis hotline business on one crazy night. Okay, okay, okay…what do you get when you cross a Roethlisberger and a Suzuki Hayabusa? ……Mixed Nuts! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! (that was just terrible – note to self edit this later).

Baltimore Ravens – Planes, Trains, & Automobiles: A man tries to make it home for Thanksgiving while traveling with an obnoxious companion. Let’s look up obnoxious in the dictionary: OBNOXIOUS = “Ray Lewis on Sunday before kickoff.” Ahhhh, learn something every day.

Cleveland Browns – The Pink Panther: A remake of the 1964 original. I never saw it, but I bet it sucks. The 2007 Cleveland Browns, a remake of the original Cleveland Browns franchise. I bet they suck too.

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis Colts – Bowfinger: A desperate movie producer follows Eddie Murphy around, secretly shooting his film. Similar to how cameras follow Peyton Manning around, endlessly shooting commercials. Playoffs? I just hope they can win a game. (On a side note, Heather Graham was in this movie and Ivan Shago approves)

Jacksonville Jaguars – Three Amigos!: Three unemployed actors fight banditos in Mexico unaware that the fighting is actually real. Maurice, Jones, & Drew three amigos in the backfield for the Jags.

Houston Texans – Roxanne: Cyrano de Bergerac tale of a man who falls for the beautiful Roxanne while she falls for his personality but another man’s looks. Houston fans probably fell in love with beautiful Reliant Stadium only to realized the Texans were playing it it.

Tennessee Titans – The Lonely Guy: Larry Hubbard is a lonely guy looking for love in the big city. Can anyone name a receiver on the Titans? Vince Young must be pretty lonely these days. My advice V, spray on some sweat and tell everyone the game is already over.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers – The Jerk: Navin Johnson’s invention makes him millions only to lose everything when he is sued by his customers. The Chargers, argueably the most talented team in the NFL, lose everything when they hire Norv Turner as head coach. A true tale of rags to riches to rags.

Denver Broncos – Cheaper by the Dozen: A father of 12 does some stuff that’s not funny. Travis Henry a father of “at least” 9 could be in for a big season, but how is he going to have the energy to play after fathering children for all of Denver?

Kansas City Chiefs – Grand Canyon: The best movie on this list with Danny Glover in it, not really sure what its about. I’m a big fan of Coach Herm Edwards and wouldn’t a young Glover have made a great actor to play him? Some combination of this and this. “Dammit Riggs, you play to win the game!” Awesome!

Oakland Raiders – Little Shop of Horros: Martin plays Orin Scrivello is a dentist that likes to cause pain. Speaking of pain, is Josh McCown really your starting quarterback? Ouch.