G.I. Jab’s Belated NFC Preview
In the spirit of my pal Ivan Shago’s AFC Preview, I offer G.I. Jab’s first annual NFC Preview. I realize I am three weeks late and a lot of dollars short, but I wanted to see which teams were actually good before I made my picks. See, we, unlike those hacks Peter King, Dr. Z and Dr Phil, actually do something called “research” here at Porkmullet.com, rather than make dumbass predictions such as whoever scores the most points will win and it is time for Rex Grossman to be benched. Also, we were the only ones to point out that Norv Turner is not a very good head coach. We are all about exclusive reporting. Besides, I had to compile these picks after I had a chance to review Bill Belichick’s snuff film collection. Here, I attempt to compare each of the NFC teams to Sandra Bullock films. I hope you enjoy!
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Wrestling Ernest Hemingway – I imagine wrestling Ernest Hemingway to be a lot like wrestling Andy Reid, except with more chest sweat and less rigor mortis.
Dallas Cowboys: Practical Magic – [from IMDB.com] This wry, comic romantic tale follows the Owens sisters, Sally and Gillian, as they struggle to use their hereditary gift for practical magic to overcome the obstacles in discovering true love. Much like the third Owens sister, Terrell, who just discovered that his true love is Terrell Owens. It looks like the Cowboys are stirring up a little practical magic of their own. Tony Romo may actually be the real deal as much as it pains me to write anything positive about the Cowboys. But I fret not, because I’m pretty certain Wade Phillips will find a way to screw this up.
Washington Redskins: Two If By Sea – [from IMDB.com] Frank O’Brien, a petty thief, and his 7-year-long girlfriend Roz want to put an end to their unsteady lifestyle and just do that last job. To my beloved Redskins: Can Joe Gibbs just do that last job and get us one more Lombardi? Please!!! Anyone???
New York Giants: Two Weeks Notice – This one was too easy. Wow, a “Tom Coughlin on the hot seat joke!” How original!!! Buy my new comedy album to hear more classics, such as “Take my wife please!” and “I just flew in from Vegas and boy are my arms tired!” I guess if I don’t have a future in blogging, there is always comedy. Note to self: Study the comedic timing of Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant in this romantic comedy classic.
NFC South
Carolina Panthers: A Time to Kill – Is it too soon to make a Rae Carruth joke?
New Orleans Saints: While You Were Sleeping – What the fuck is wrong with these guys??? Wake up, men! Don’t you think Sean Payton looks like Dewey from “Malcolm in the Middle?” This team may need a new leader. I suggest Bill Pullman.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Hope Floats – [from IMDB.com] A woman who comes back to her home town in Smithville Texas with her daughter after a very sloppy and painful divorce has to deal with the people in her town … kinda like Jeff Garcia after his painful divorce from the Eagles. Except in this case, hope drowns.
Atlanta Falcons: [courtesy of Ivan Shago] Speed – Don’t stop the team bus or it will blow. Isn’t it about time Sandra Bullock made a movie about dogs?
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: Speed 2: Cruise Control – Someone gets blown on a boat.
Chicago Bears: Premonition – [from IMDB.com] Depressed housewife learns her husband was killed in a car accident the day previously, awakens the next morning to find him alive and well at home, and then awakens the next day after to a world in which he is still dead. Somehow I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Rex Grossman.
Green Bay Packers: The Lake House – [from IMDB.com] A lonely doctor (Bullock) who once occupied an unusual lakeside home begins exchanging love letters with its former resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). They must try to unravel the mystery behind their extraordinary romance before it’s too late. Maybe some day Brett Favre and John Madden will finally figure out how they can be together.
Detroit Lions: Love Potion No. 9 – Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz, aka the Mad Scientist, develops a potent offense that makes the media instantly fall in love when they are exposed to it. But once it wears off, they realize that Matt Millen is still the team’s General Manager and he signed like 26 wide receivers. You can find more jokes about Matt Millen’s incompentence on my new comedy album.
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: In Love and War – [from IMDB.com] In war they found each other…In each other they found love. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the relationship between Matt Hasselbeck and Mike Holmgren. In Mike Holmgren, Matt Hasselbeck also found pork rinds.
San Francisco 49ers: Miss Congeniality – [from IMDB.com] A FBI agent must go undercover in the Miss United States beauty pageant to prevent a group from bombing the event. Coach Mike Nolan must dress up in nice suits to prevent a group of fans from notice his team bombing on the field.
Arizona Cardinals: Crash – [from IMDB.com] You think you know who you are. You have no idea. These guys aren’t actually who I thought they were. I’m not crowning their ass, but they can run the ball, play pretty good defense, and lose some close games. Come to think of it, they’re pretty overrated. Much like this completely overrated (in fact I would call it “shitty”) movie.
St. Louis Rams: 28 Days – [from IMDB.com] A big-city newspaper columnist is forced to enter a drug and alcohol rehab center after stealing a limousine and crashing it into a house. Replace “big-city newspaper columnist” with Leonard Little, and replace “house” with “St. Louis woman.” What an asshole!
