So I finally had to say something. It’s been eating at me for a long time. I HATE when they show parents of athletes sitting in the stands. What the hell is the point of this? I already have to deal with a commercial every two minutes. Then, as soon as the game is back, I get a mom or dad in stands. Give me a break.

And don’t think I’m kidding this time jerks……Uhhhh, we’ll be back after this.

At this point, I’m specifically talking about the NCAA tourney. I don’t care that Athlete X has a mother. Ooooohhh, she’s crying, yeah great. By the way, both sides have parents and they are all probably crying. Do you just pick the one that cries the most? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Here’s an idea: Instead, just show the replay of that controversial call that you forgot about during the last break.

Ok…..maybe I’m getting a little carried away. Calm down…..relax…..Shago will be back after this quick break.

Unfortunately, it happens in all sports. The first time I remember this painful trend was Bubby Brister’s mom, circa 1991. She used to flail around like she was possessed every time Bub got hit. Feel free to add a comment for your memories.

Yep, ole Ma Brister. (…porkmullet.com is proud to announce that we have partnered with Ma Brister and Atari to bring you this post.)

So, just stop it, damn it. No, don’t argue, just stop it and show the bloody game. Wait, no, I mean the game, you know, on the court, field, ice, etc.

Oh screw it.

If something doesn’t change, we’re on an express elevator to Hell, goin’ down! And I’m done, game over man.

Yeah, this post might suck, but, at least I didn’t have to lick anyone.

Are you looking for simpler times? Days when the title of a movie explains exactly what it’s about. Tired of reading a book like To Kill a Mocking Bird. Only to find out it’s about racism and not mocking Big Bird?

Well this might be for you.

Smith (Clive Owen) is your typical hero. You know the type: loner, expert marksman, former secret agent, trained killer…that loves carrots. Yep, he loves them. He eats them, uses them to “shoot’em up,” stabs people with them, and even, well, maybe…you know…………naaaaah.

Hertz (Paul Giamatti) is your typical villian. He has lots of henchmen. He talks about his dastardly plot instead of just shooting the good guy. Just when you think he was dead, well, yeah, he isn’t.

Guess what? There’s a plot too! It might even have been pretty decent. There’s a newborn baby that he’s protecting. One tough ass baby if you ask me. Also a senator, gun control controversy, hookers, blah, some other crap, blah, etc. But, if you’re watching this movie, it’s only about killing bad guys:

Smith kills them in their car.
He kills from away or far.
Falling out of a plane?
That doesn’t affect Smith’s aim.
Sliding on the floor,
Can you kill a few more?
Have a pony tail on your head?
Smith will point, aim, and shoot you dead.
The bad guys always seem to miss,
It’s the pretty girl that Smith gets to kiss.

Ok, ok, moving on. There are no qualms about what this movie is. At least I can respect that. Leave your brain behind: I give it 1.5 bullet riddled little pigs.

See you soon mullets.

So here I am again. Up into the early AM and pondering whether to sleep or finish my friendly bottle of wine. I haven’t posted in a while. I think I am losing my enthusiasm for movies. Maybe I’m getting too old, but I’ve realized that nothing is original anymore. (Sly Stallone, I’m looking at you…I’ll lend you a couple bucks, just don’t do another Tango & Cash…please!)

So here’s my plan: Watch a recent movie and hope it doesn’t suck. So, I pull up the movies on demand and start browsing:

Spiderman 3
Saw 4
Rush Hour 3
Pirates 3
Ocean’s 13
Fantasic Four 2. Does that make it Fantastic 8? Weird. Anyhoo…
Jackass 2.5
Santa Claus 3
Harry Potter 3
Bourne 3
Shrek 3
Resident Evil 3
…ahhhh, sequels, dignity’s last paycheck.

Ok, so I’m not a big fan of sequels, well, except for Star Trek 2 (Wrath of Khan was the best & only Star Trek movie needed). I’ll have to chose randomly. We get….Live Free or Die Hard. MF’er that’s a sequel too! And I’ve already seen it. How can this kid dodge cars, bullets, bad buys, helicopters, etc. but never lose his laptop? Last time I got shot at, I was moving so fast, I had trouble keeping my pants on.

Let’s try again: ‘Pop Go the Wiggles!’ Uhhhhhhhh, I really can’t watch that. A drunk man, watching the Wiggles…alone? Looks like it’s suicide again for me…unless I give it one more chance. Here goes:

Shoot ‘em Up! – Staring Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti.

So stay tuned all you porkmullet fans, the review for this one is coming up next…