April 13, 2008 at 10:11 pm
· By Ivan Shago
· Filed under Advertisments, Animals, Based On A True Story, Blockbusters, Books, Category Hard!!!, Cult Classics, Definitions, Diseases, Inventions, Mad Libs, Minerals, Music, One-Liners, Penis Guy, Personalities, Sports, Televison, Train Wrecks, Trends and Fads, Uncategorized, Vegetables, Video Games, WTF???, Who Would Win, Who Would You Rather Do?
Shago here. With a little help from G.I. Jab.
SHAGO: Walk Hard is a story about Dewey Cox.
GI: I wrote a song about an octopus!!!
SHAGS: Yep, sing hard!
GIB: Don’t stifle me!!!
SHAGOOOO: He machete’d his bro.
GEW: The wrong kid died. God dammit.
SHAGME: Johnny Cash, Jim Morrison, Ray Charles, Brian Wilson, Rock Star X, Mark Wahlberg, Elvis, Clay Aiken, all can’t compare to Dewey.
GIZ: Does Clay Aiken walk hard?
SHAGGY: He would of it wasn’t for those damn kids. So in honor of the Dewey’s Bob Dylan period, we wrote this song:
IMPOVERISHED WHITE ACCOUNTANT
My empty parrot without batteries
For the snow job Olympics
Crazy monkey sex
And tangerine toe jam butterfinger
That’s not my job
Remote control glass window
The flu was cold but so warm
Conan the Destroyer
Govern me with your tiny rectal berries.
Roast beast teenagers in Arizona hot tubs
I bet they’re hot.
Can’t Whisenhunt with a shotgun.
My 12 year old girlfriend isn’t old enough for roller coasters
E.F. Hutton earns his money while jacking off a shark
Jack Hard
Penis Guy
Jack Hard
The scientist with tube socks and googly-eyed vagina
Stared hard
The picnic in the darkness with koala chicken breasts
Kung pao pandas driving Jeep Cherokees
Turn off your signal, you’re not changing lanes
Drive Hard
And that funny guy from Police Academy
No not that one, the other guy.
Keeps lawnmovers and armadillos in the attic near the bathroom whores.
Whore Hard!
So make up your mind Robinson Crusoe Coalition
Wipe your mayo on the flag
It’ll be white then.
Living paper zombies in the fourth down full court press
The hole in your pants can’t conceal liver midgets in Mexico
Who?
So go for adventure and stay for D. Cox
The tequila on your zipper
Looks good from tangerine prison
Beat off my tamborine
Sidewalk passion is the best
Store-front spooning for caffeine.
Coffee and dunk your donuts
Dunk Hard!
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JABS: You never paid for drugs.
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April 9, 2008 at 11:41 pm
· By Anita Mandalay
· Filed under Uncategorized
Unfortunately your girl Anita didn’t make it to the Oscars last year(couldn’t get the wine stain off my De La Renta), nor she she catch up with 2007 Best Picture until running into it with a shopping cart at one of the many lovely Las Vegas Target stores last weekend. Luckily, a new PS3 had been generously donated to the household by Ivan Shago and therefore afforded a showing on Blu-ray this week. I am not going to give you a synoposis of the show, but instead offer yet another set of opinions regarding the ending.
SPOILERS FOLLOW!!!
1. Marsellus Wallace’s soul was in the suitcase.
2. Llewelyn is a girl’s name and therefore our dark “hero” was really was the wife dressed up in cowboy duds.
3. Tommy Lee Jones is a shitty, uptight law enforcement agent with bad hemmoroids that needs a decent young sidekick (see Men in Black I, II and III).
4. Who cares? I need one of those air-powered cattle guns so that I can enact my revenge and rule the world.
5. There is no Country for old men, but there still is a City where they can sit around and dream about making good money off of good books.
Well those are initial impressions, but here are a few to grow on…
6. What if all of our dreams were to come true? Even the evil ones? Even the ones that, once reanimated, can bring endless harm and suffering to us and all humanity forever… or for as long as we allow the fear to perpetuate and dominate us?
7. Say that greed were a creature. Would it not offer us blood money and cater to our naivete at an early age? Take the shirts off our back if we offered them? Set off our innate human selfishness and pit us against each other?
Take with it what you will. Watch the movie. Many times. It’s worth some thought.
4 Pigs.
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