The diet soda was cold. The popcorn bucket was bottomless. The salt packets and napkins were handy. The rum was generic. Not a single crying kid was to be found in the entire theater. Everthing seemed perfect you say?
Aye captain… too perfect. (queue crickets and creepy theme music)

Gillian Anderson did look delicious. Duchovny seemed a bit Californified Mulder, sporting a wicked filthy-hippy(thanks Shago) beard:

Ok, time to settle in and let the magic happen! I sat back in my comfy red velvet reclining seat, safely stowed by beverage in it’s proper and upright position and steadied myself for the newest and no doubt fascinating conspiracy theories.

Next thing I know, Amanda Peet shows up….waaaiiittt a minute! WTF?? Who invited her and what is she doing with all those clothes on?????

Ok so we’ve hit a speedbump, I can forgive this tragic casting faux pas. Every man has his faults, even Chris Carter must have a casting couch. No problemo, I get it. Let’s move on. Time for some plot!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Fast forward to the beginning of hour 2, Mullets… Mulder and Scully are making out(blech!) and Peetey The Cop is the only one yelling “Mulder!!!” as she frantically searches for the man who committed the atrocities upon humanity (uhhh of some sort, I dont’ really see where we’re going with this). Mmmm~ popcorn! Nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…hay!!

After nodding off for a quick power nap, I take a bathroom break and come back hoping for a renewed leash on life, and some kind of story development. My spirits are broken as I realize that the only climax we’re going to get is from this guy…?

Yes sir, it’s the Assistant Director himself to save the day. Lord knows Scully and Mulder are too busy kissyfaced. Yuk.

What can I say kids… I could have found you a better plot if I closed by eyes and threw a dart at my XFiles DVD collection. Easily. Drunk on whiskey and blindfolded. With both hands tied behind my back. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow too. I mean Stem Cells for christs sake? Sooo last year my friends.

Ok I’m over it now. What a frustrating couple of hours. Ugh. 2 Pigs.